What a Wreck

Lately I have been such an emotional wreck. I never thought I would be one of "those" women, but now that I am pregnant it is so hard to keep my emotions in check.

Exhibit A:
Last week I wanted a free hot chocolate from Maverick's. I thought I would get one too because we have a few of those punch cards that say "when you get ten punches you get a drink of any size for free!" The last time we got a hot chocolate the lady asked if we had a card and I said that we did but we forgot it at home. She said it was okay because they would just combine the cards when we wanted to redeem the free drink. So we walked into Maverick's this time (only it was the other store) and we got our drinks all ready. I handed the guy the punch cards and he said the punches all had to be on the same card. I ran out of the store crying leaving Marcus to pay for the drinks. I was so upset. All I wanted was a free drink which we totally qualified for. I cried for at least ten minutes. Before pregnancy I would have just thought this guy was a jerk and I would have sworn never to shop at that particular Maverick's again, but this time...I was an emotional wreck. And the thing that sucks the most is that I don't really look like I am pregnant so it's not like that guy was like "Oh, she's pregnant, maybe I should be nice" No. He just treated me like he would have treated everyone else. You know what? Sometimes, lately, I just want someone to be my friend, to talk to me, to do nice things for me. I feel trapped. -sigh-

Exhibit B
Maybe this is pregnancy talking but I don't want to be here in Rexburg anymore. No one likes me and no one wants to be my friend. The friends I do have here don't treat me like they used to because I am married and pregnant and I obviously wouldn't want to be invited to things like a girl's night...and I obviously wouldn't want  them to tell me anything about their personal lives. The only people that really treat me the same are my sisters. I miss them.

To top it off...I don't think my visiting teachers really want to be my friend. They came over once, but only once and they don't talk to me except when it's easy...like in passing at church.

I told you I was emotional. People have their lives and they are living them. That is what they are supposed to do. I just pray for an angel to come be my friend. I can't wait for baby to get here. Then I will have a friend 24/7 that I can talk to and play with and take care of. Baby will love me and treat me like a real person. Sometimes that will mean crying at me for periods of time, but I will just love baby more and more.

I like watching Marcus play basket ball and ultimate frisbe. It's like seeing him having a great time the way I imagine Heavenly Father watches us when we participate in wholesome recreational activities. When I go to one of his games I sit on the side lines and just watch him goof around. I don't say anything except an occasional hoot and holler of encouragement. I have a total outside view of everything that is going on around my Marcus. Heavenly Father has a complete outside view of everything. He sees us when we sleep, when we ray, when we struggle, when we laugh. He shares our lives with us and everything we do just makes him love us more and more. We don't see Him, but I know He is there. I can take comfort in that.

Oh, so, I did this super cool outline thing called an Aura Gram.

What you do (and you can save the picture on your computer and print it off) is print off two copies of this image and do the following: Read each word and circle a dot that best represents you. The dots go from low to high from the body image. That is, the fifth dot out from the body image for the word indicates the highest rating. After you have selected your dots then connect them and view your aurora. Next, give the second copy to someone who knows you well (not mom) and have them complete the same assignment but about you. In other words, they circle the dots associated with the words but they are doing it based on their assessment of you. Then compare the two tracings.


I did my Aura-gram and I was so much harsher on myself than the other person was on me. I used my husband but my teacher actually said that I was supposed to choose someone that knows me well, but not my mom or my husband...but I didn't know that before hand. Anyways, I appreciated this assignment because it reminded me that I am too hard on myself. I am not perfect, although striving to be. Other people see me better than I see myself and I just need to keep working on things, but not be mean to myself. I am so mean to myself. Sometimes I think that I don't look pretty if I don't do my hair or my makeup. But Marcus always thinks I am pretty. Sometimes I think that I try so hard to have enough energy to do all the things a wife ought to do in a day, but I don't and then I feel awful. But Marcus never says that I am a horrible wife. It's just me feeling that way. I don't think I am the only person to feel this way either. Sometimes I just want to throw myself a party...although I don't think anyone would come...that's me being overly emotional and dramatic again. 


The only reason I want to leave Rexburg is because that's how I deal with problems. I like to run away and not deal with them. I haven't had too many problems in my life but big problems just throw me off. It's like the song goes
"runnin runnin as fast as I can" mixed with "she needs wide open spaces." 

Anyways, if you did read this, god bless you.