Re Centering Yourself

Pregnancy hormones and additional progesterone in the form of weekly shots coursing through my veins has really heightened my anxiety. Since becoming pregnant I have had three major episodes all of which were triggered by things that I think normally I could brush off my shoulders. Each time I experience an episode my self-esteem takes a hit. I haven't yet talked to my therapist about what could be the link or cause of this, so if you know, I would be interested to learn from you. 

Something I am doing to find myself again... or to battle the anxiety-related self-esteem-crush is to fill out the below questionnaire to remind myself who is inside this body (which feels very trapped at the moment). 

 I think being reminded of who I am will help to re-center my thoughts or at least give me hope that the person inside is still there and the anxiety is only temporary. It is only temporary. Not forever. 

Feel free to read on if you'd like to get to know me, too!

1. Are you happy? Where you are right now, doing what you’re doing, the life you’re living… are you happy? If not, what do you think you need to be truly happy?

I love that we are expanding our family and working hard for our future. I am very happy watching my children learn and grow.

2. What does a perfect day look like to you?

Sleeping in after a very comfortable and restful night's sleep. Breakfast at a local cafe. Finding a not-so-busy fair/carnival to play with the kids at. Ice cream. Mexican food for lunch. After noon rest/nap. Family movie at the theatre. Meeting up with friends for dinner and games. Journaling. Falling asleep after a nice back rub next to my sweet man. 

3. If you could change just one thing about your life, what would you change?

Eternal mental wellness and health. No anxiety. No self-doubt. 

4. If you only have six months left to live, would you change the way you are living your life now? 

No. I'm doing what I need to right now. 

5. What’s holding you back from living the life you would live if you were dying (refer to the question above)?

Finances. But I feel like that is on most people's wish lists. I have the important things. 

6. What are 5 things that can put a smile on your face no matter what?

Memes, my children, my husband, really delicious food/dessert, a massage.

7. If you inherited 1 million dollars from an uncle you’ve never heard of before, how would you spend that money? And how would you live your life?

We would pay off all our debts (student loans, car payment) and put half into investments and the other would become our fund to buy 2-10 acres of land and build our dream home with a beautiful sensory garden and livestock area. 

8. Have you ever felt truly loved by yourself or someone else? If so, can you distinctly remember a moment where you were filled with love?

Today my daughters came in after coloring pictures and presented me with sweet artworks. Also those sweet looks they gave me when I would nurse them as babies. 

9. What does it take for you to feel loved by yourself or someone else?

Knowing who that person is, where they've been, how far they've come. I think seeing someone's infinite potential is part of loving someone. 

10. Is there someone inside of you that is blocking love from your life? Maybe a belief or a past experience.

Honestly, I just annoy myself with overthinking.

11. Do you ever underestimate yourself? If so, name a time where you underestimated yourself and why you did it?

Yes. I feel like I have a dream to be an interior designer but I feel like I don't have the know-how or experience. But I enjoy designing spaces a lot. 

12. What lies do you continuously tell to those around you?

N/A My moral code prevents me from doing this.

13. What is your happiest memory?

Christmas morning with children is the best time you will ever have. It is magical.

14. Are there any lies you’ve been telling yourself regularly? Such as I’m ugly, why am I so stupid, no one loves me, etc.

I always say stupid things. I'm bad at conversations.

15. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?

My anxiety will control my life forever.

16. If you could have any career, what would it be?

Stay-at-home mom and interior designer. 

17. What is one problem that you see in the world?

Socialism and self-entitlement.

18. Is there anything you could do to help solve that problem in the previous question?

Raise my children to be grateful people and hard working members of the community that are altruistic. 

19. What are you truly passionate about?

My family and raising my children with good values.

20. What gifts or talents do you have that you typically hide from yourself or others?

I could probably pursue my artistic talents more. Most people don't know I play the flute albeit I am very rusty. I also get a terrible nervous tick--quivering bottom lip--while playing for others which makes it difficult to play. So I avoid it. 

21. Is there anything in your life that you are ashamed of?

My thoughts annoy me a lot. I nag myself all the time. It is exhausting. 

22. When you have free time, what do you like to do for fun?

Binge watch tv shows like Monk, Poirot, HGTV. I also love to journal and play games with friends and family.

23. What legacy do you hope to leave behind once your time on Earth is over?

A great posterity that knows I am a kind and charitable person and I always tried to live my life by a set of values and principals that would create a safe and happy home. 

24. Are there aspects of your life that you worry about?

Finances. Maybe never being free of the anxiety.

25. What is your greatest fear?

Losing a child. My parents lost two...which means I've lost two siblings. and it is devastating. I'm also scared of losing my husband. 

26. Do you believe that everything happens in your life for a reason?

Yes. There is a reason; whether it is because of choices people have made or it's part of the divine plan. 

27. What is your proudest accomplishment in life?

My babies.

28. In your life, what matters the most to you?

Family.

29. Do you prefer to spend time alone or with other people?

I think you need both to be balanced. 

30. Would you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrovert? Are you energized by being with others or spending time alone?

I am extroverted. But I do love some quiet time to journal.

31. Are there any dreams that continue to repeat themselves when you sleep?

Being chased is my most common reoccurring dream in different settings.

32. If you could be a fly on the wall, what would people say about you behind closed doors?

I would love to know.

33. Do you feel like you know your purpose in life? If so, what is it? If not, is there anything holding you back from discovering your purpose?

Yes. My purpose in this life is to rear my children in love and righteousness. To nurture others and provide comfort to those in need. 

34. What would you consider to be your biggest failure in life?

I'm not sure anything is a failure until you quit trying...and I have never been a quitter. 

35. Do you rely on others to tell you what to do or how to act? If so, how can you remove this expectation and act based on your own beliefs?

No. 

36. Are there areas of your life that you notice you compare yourself to others? Your body, your job, your friend group, etc.

My body..definitely. There are pictures of half-nude women everywhere. I also have been given the gift of baring children and now my body is quite different than before. Grateful as I am for this beautiful gift, the world says stretch marks and any extra hairs outside your head are unsightly. So if I have those things...doesn't that mean I am unsightly? There are so many products promoting flawless skin rather than accepting the skin we have. It's hard. I also wish I had more energy to be that PTO mom or that cook-like-a-chef mom.. but I don't always. 

37. What are your short-term goals? And what are your long-term goals?

Survive this pregnancy and give birth to a healthy and happy baby boy. Raise a family and create a home with Marcus. 

38. If you could go back five years, what is one decision you made that you would change?

I would ask for a couple thousand dollars at closing from the previous owners of our home to replace destroyed flooring that we had to replace anyways.

39. What are your greatest strengths?

Endurance through trials, creativity, good-natured, hard working, empathetic, faithful.

40. How is your relationship with money?

Good. It doesn't rule my life but I recognize the need for it.

41. What do you believe is possible in your life?

Eternal happiness.

42. Who is your greatest role model?

Jesus Christ is my biggest exemplar. Then I admire very many women in my life each with their own unique gifts and talents. 

43. Do you believe in a greater force? Whether that is religiously or simply believing in the power of the Universe?

Yes. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. 

44. Are there people in your life that bring you down, hold you back, or fail to bring you joy? If so, is there a way that you could rid them from your life or confront them with your problems?

Yes. I'm working on it with my therapist. Sometimes I feel like that person is myself. 

45. What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?

She was kind. She loved with her whole self. She always saw the good in others. She tried her best to be her best self. 

46. How do you feel and react when you fail?

Disappointed but I keep trying.

47. What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

That question was kinda already answered in #34.

48. When something bad happens, do you tend to place blame on yourself, those around you, or a greater power?

Depends on what has happened. Did dinner burn? I probably left it in the oven too long. Did someone hit my parked car? The other person should have seen it parked so it's their fault. 

49. Do you believe in destiny? If so, what do you believe is yours?

I believe the choices you make will lead you to eternal happiness or eternal misery.

50. What would it mean to live your happiest life being your truest self every darn day?

happiness. 

"Me" Time

When your life is controlled by little monsters that spread peanut butter on your lower cabinets, and pee half in the toilet and half on the ground in front of your toilet, it is essential to find some time for yourself--"me" time. Unwinding for me usually only happens after bedtime...which can be read as "an hour after bedtime" because that's how long the kiddos take to stop coming out of their room. 

My me time:

For me, journaling is probably the most therapeutic and useful thing I do during me time. As I write my insights and thoughts about the day my ideas and experiences get sorted out. Then I can solve problems and see ways to improve my life and myself. I also often make lists in my journal; lists about talents I have, my goals for the week or year, people I can contact when I need advice, ways to love my husband, things I am grateful for, etc. 

Have you ever heard of Paint by Numbers? Well, you can buy these packs on Amazon and they are awesome! I am currently working on a canvas of sunflowers. It takes a lot of time and detail work but the finished product is awesome and then I feel like a true artist--move over Picasso! Anyway if you need an idea for something to do when you are bored I highly recommend this activity. 

Of course the most common activity I pursue during me time is tv-watching. Binge watching is my favorite thing. Speaking of, Netflix has a new concept with one of its newest shows "The Great British Baking Show" where it airs one new episode every week. For me this is a downfall. Who are you, Netflix? Cable? It is disappointing to not be able to watch the whole season. 

What do you do during me time? I am looking for more options as bed rest nears closer and closer. Please comment and let me know!

4

I have four syllables in my first name.
Four sides make up a square.
There are 4 cardinal directions.
There are four seasons.


Four is the only number spelled with the same number of letters as itself.
4 represents the four elements: earth, wind/air, fire, water.
The number 4 symbolizes the principle of putting ideas into form. It signifies work and productivity.
There are four suits in a deck of cards.


And now....


I am in the midst of my fourth pregnancy.

Our due date is February 1st, 2020, but you all know how much my body loves to stay pregnant...(not). I am hoping to keep this sweet little baby number 4 in until the end of December. My doctor is going to give me a cervical cerclage which is a stitch around the cervix. Hopefully this will help a lot. I am still expected to go on bed rest but I am not sure when. I will be on "modified" bed rest after I get my cerclage meaning I can't lift anything and I need to be careful how long I walk. And I need to make sure I am not stressing my body out etc. etc.



We are happy and blessed.

Pearls

2 years ago:

My heart felt like it was beating way too fast. So I placed my finger on my heart rate monitor and it WAS beating way too fast. In the middle of the night in my calm silent house, my heart knew something was wrong. I started to feel breathless and lightheaded. What was happening to me? I called my mom and started to feel less panic but then it happened again. Two world-shattering panic attacks in a row. I went to the hospital that night via ambulance because I thought I was dying. My heart felt like it couldn't take any more racing. The ER doctor gave me a little white pill called Lorazepam. It lulled me to sleep after Marcus picked me up and drove me home. But when waking up from that medicated sleep I felt SO depleted, alone, scared. The medication caused me to have thoughts I never thought a happy person such as myself would EVER have...which made me feel even more scared. I pictured myself standing in the middle of the road being hit by a car or truck left for dead.

After Lisa was born my view of motherhood and my planned life had to be shifted. I had always wanted a huge family with at least 8 kids and a husband that won the romantic award, and a dream home with a huge yard. But that is not what my life was turning out to be. Lisa's birth proved me wrong in my plans. I went into labor with her at 23 weeks and spent the next 10 in and out of the hospital multiple times a week and numerous treatments of different medications which slowed labor down. But she came at 33 weeks and then I had to become a NICU mom--balancing life at home with life at a hospital. I still woke up multiple times a night to pump breast milk with no baby to hold. It was a really difficult month. But we made it. My girl faught hard and came home to...a big sister with the stomach flu. Puking commenced the moment we got home.

So bringing Lisa home wasn't as magical as I wanted it to be. I was thrown into the trenches of motherhood from the beginning. And I wasn't paying attention. To myself.

When Lisa turned 4 months old I experienced my first ever panic attack as a mother. It wasn't huge. I was driving on a two-way road and a truck passed me going the opposite direction. My heart started racing as I thought "that truck could have easily crossed those painted lines and killed us" but after a moment the thought was gone and replaced with my list of to-do's for the day.

I ignored the prompting to see a therapist because darn that aforementioned to-do list. Finding someone to talk to and figure out what is triggering feelings is so hard. I felt like it was too hard. And I wasn't doing THAT badly. I was doing my dream job (stay at home mom) and handling it just fine.

Life went on and I felt so blessed...and WAS blessed to have what I had. Until that night two years ago I didn't take myself seriously.

I was working my dream job and living a really good and blessed life. But I wasn't taking care of myself. My self-care habits dwindled after the birth of my first child and decreased to almost nothing by my third. I still showered and brushed my teeth...but that was pretty much the extent of my self-care. I felt guilty for spending money on myself because #studentloandebt. There were so many better ways to spend our hard-earned money than on the material things that made me feel sparks of joy.

After my panic attacks I checked myself in to the behavioral unit and tried to find safety from my panic there...but they checked me into the detox unit which was SCARY and so uncomfortable for me. While I met some incredible people fighting incredible things... It was not where I should have been at my weakest moment. I have PTSD from that experience in itself.

So these last 2 years have been a time of healing and rebirth.

Here are some pearls of wisdom I have gathered since my self-discovery...or rather self-rediscovery (because we change after we become wives...and mothers...and when BIG things happen to us).

1. Find at least one thing that is YOU or was you that you have found peace and joy in doing. For me it is journaling. (I have shelves filled with my journals which contain my deepest thoughts, experiences, and promptings from the Lord. I wish I had never put my pen down. But I did and that is that.) Keep doing that thing. Even if it is hard.

2. Carve out time for yourself. I wish I had taken the time to journal. And now I do.

3. Have multiple dreams... I only had one: to become a wife and mother. But after I had all that...then what? I now know I want to be strong (go to the gym) and become a certified interior designer.

4. Hold on to your faith. In times of trial it is SO easy to blame God for what is happening because surely if He loved you you would never struggle a day in your life. But actually... Growth only comes through experience. So take that trial and make yourself better because of it.

5. Find good friends. This can be tricky. I believe so many people mean well. But sometimes finding someone who is at the same stage and level as you in a world full of awesome and interesting people it is hard. (Any tips for this are appreciated).

6. Accept where you are. Acknowledge you can improve but then look back to where you have been and give yourself a pat on the back and keep moving forward.

7. Give yourself grace. We are mortal. That means we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Accept that and give yourself a pass for not paying for the can of tuna someone had to put back because they couldn't afford it. Remember that for next time and move forward.

8. Be authentic. Please stop being fake. Please just allow yourself to feel your feelings and then try to find positive ways of expressing them. Do not hide your trials/weaknesses from those around you. Grow through seeking advice and sharing your life. That is where connection happens. Maybe if you're feeling lonely you're not allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough. But I'm not a psychologist so I do not speak gospel.

9. Allow yourself to be imperfect. I know I do not like cooking. And I'm okay with that. I had this idea that cooking fantastic home cooked meals is what a good mother looks like. And I do know good mothers who have this quality, but I am not one of them. I am a good mom despite the fact that I hate cooking. My kids still eat.

10. Find the good. There is good in the world.

Women to Admire: Joanna Gaines

I watch HGTV ALL the time. When I was on bed rest it was my favorite channel. Heck, when I was 12 years old it was my favorite channel. I have always dreamed of having my own house and making it my home with my husband and our children. I am experiencing that briefly in my life right now until we go back to grad school. Fixer Upper, a show about buying houses that need work but could be beautiful with some tender love and care, aired its first episode May 2013. It was a hit in my home. Marcus even watched it. The gregarious Chip Gaines with the laid back nature of Joanna Gaines just makes the show fun and easy to watch. They are an amazing power couple. So, I wanted to learn more about the people behind the camera, but more specifically the woman. How could she have such a demanding job and also be such an awesome homemaker, wife, and mother? 

Joanna Gaines. Her goal is to create "beautiful spaces where families are thriving."

Joanna with Chip

I read their book The Magnolia Story which tells a story of love, hard work, determination, and supporting each other through everything. 

Joanna Gaines to me is an almost perfect example of what it means to be patient with your spouse. When they were first married he moved her from house to house without her really being able to keep it as her own. That would be so hard for me to be uprooted every time I was starting to feel like the home I was making was coming together. She was always supportive though saying things like "maybe it's not that bad." They take problems and work through them together. Yes, she would yell occasionally, but when things happened they were already in the process of happening and she always quickly realized that there was nothing she could really do but to move forward with optimism and positivity. 

She has a great connection with God. She realizes when He is speaking to her. If you are not religious this connection can be described as listening to your heart, or those thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere. For her it was "that's the man you are going to marry" and "close your shop." These promptings have always led her to a better place and she has learned how to listen to them rather than fight them even when they were really hard to do. 

Jo sees things in their simple beauty. She says in her book:

The thing I found interesting was just how beautiful everything looked. The rust, the age, the weathering...those old abandoned barns...seemed to capture and reflect the beauty of the land and the air and the early summer scents in that beautiful corner of the world. Even the dust in those barns seemed to rise up on purpose, helping to illuminate those old forgotten spaces with streams of sunlight that crept through cracks in the wood. (page 31)

I wish I could see beauty in everything the way she does. It is such a gift. 

Like most people I think, Joanna went through a phase of figuring out who she was. While she was in her early 20's she went to NYC and was able to see a huge different mixture of cultures and it helped open her eyes to herself. She was always insecure that she was different because she was half Korean, but that experience helped her to start "owning who [she was], realizing that [she] was unique and that God had a unique purpose for [her]." Which helps me to feel like that is true for me, too. 

So, how does she do everything with 4 children? That has always been my biggest question. She explains that while she was trying to make things perfect she was missing out:

I looked around and saw a lot of "perfection," and I thought, But where do my kids sit? why don't the kids have a play space of their own anywhere in this house? Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. In my nonstop efforts to make the house look good and to raise our baby of a business, I had failed to create a space where my children could thrive and be kids. I had neglected to create a home that my most important babies could love too.

So after that experience she realized that her home was also their home and that they should be happy and be able to play freely the way children do. This has helped me to realize that in my own life am I letting my children be children? Am I encouraging them to be creative, to figure things out?  I can definitely be better. My children are the reason I do so many things...but am I the reason that they can't? I don't want to be. 

As Joanna and Chip were building their business they put all their eggs in one basket and they got through it by faith. She says:

What I do know, looking back on it now, is that all of these big, life-changing things were right around the corner for us at that moment. And if we'd given up, if we'd walked away, if we'd crumbled when we were at our lowest, we never would have made it around the corner to see all of the blessings that were about to come due. 

So, even when things were looking bleak, they came together and worked harder and had faith that all would be well. And they were honest and had integrity the whole time. 

Other Quotes:

"If you can't find the happiness in the ugliness, you're not going to find it in the beauty, either."

"What is my intention behind these things?...Getting our intentions right simplifies our decisions in life and changes our perspective. And in the end, what it's all about is thankfulness and contentment."

"Now I make homemade cakes, I blow up balloons and we pop them. That's all. Kids just want to be kids. They don't obsess about all the details. What they might remember are all the silly faces mom makes when she blows up balloons and the taste of that homemade cake with sprinkles. That's what they'll remember. Not a picture-perfect party."

"Live wholly and intentionally for those closest to [you]." 

"There's something about doing things the way our ancestors used to do them that kind of puts your heart back into the rhythm of this thing called life." (Speaking of gardening and working with their animals).

"Sometimes you've got to try something outside of your comfort zone to figure out what it is you truly love." 

"Go and find what inspires you, go and find what it is that you love, and go do that until it hurts...Don't quit, and don't give up. The reward is just around the corner. And in times of doubt or times of joy, listen for that still, small voice. Know that God has been there from the beginning--and he will be there until...The End."

*side note: Another reason I love Joanna so much is that she feels the same way about her engagement ring that I do. My ring is small and there isn't much to it, but we picked it together and it represents where we were at in our lives when we got it. It is simple, but beautiful.

Women to Admire: Elizabeth White Stewart

Today I was going to tell you about a woman that needed to be admired for her hard work, determination, and endurance...but the more I read about this woman, the more I learned that we do NOT align. I can admire her for her professionalism, but our values are so opposite that I am discontinuing my post on her. I think it is important to see the good in others, but that does not mean supporting someone who has a voice for causes that you believe to be wrong and not in line with your personal values and morals. What I mean to say is, you can find good in others while at the same time disagreeing with them in many other arenas. It is OKAY to disagree. It is OKAY to change your mind. But don't forget truths you know and once learned as you search for knew answers... Now I will get off my soapbox. I promise the person I am writing about does have positive values.

So with much anticipation, as I know all of you wait on pins and needles for me to publish these posts every month, I present Elizabeth White Stewart whom I DO admire for her hard work, determination, and endurance.

Feb. 22, 1838- May 7, 1917

I think is is very important to know where you come from; to try to know the people who came before you. This wonderful woman is my great great great grandmother--four generations before me!

Elizabeth's story begins in England when her mother decided to emigrate to America so they could practice their religion freely after joining the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in 1854. They sailed on the ship Horizon and met up with her brother who had left earlier in the year in New York City. From there they traveled and soon met up with the famous pioneer handcart companies. On their journey West they witnessed several tragedies including a stampede of buffalo trampling a fellow traveler and leaving behind a newborn that died a month after. They were caught in the unforgiving winter and saw several deaths. Through all of this Elizabeth and her family trudged on uncomplaining. She was a teen at the time and found comfort in traveling with her family. At one point in the journey they were starving and her mother said they would be taken care of by the Lord. Later that night a rescue company found them and had food to feed them all. The rescue company took the elderly and sick and a couple of young women to help nurse on the remaining journey. Elizabeth was one of them. She did not want to leave her family, but she did as was asked of her and journeyed the rest of the way to Salt Lake City without her family. Her family joined her a few weeks later. 

Elizabeth married Isaac M. Stewart when she was 19 years old. They had 11 children together; one which died in childhood. She must have been such a wonderful mother because this is a poem her children wrote for her:

February 22, 1914

Can it be, Dearest Mother, so long since our birth?

Seventy-six years since you first came to earth?

In fancy I see the good angels of love

Selecting a spirit to send from above.

They all knew the great work there was here to do,

That is why they looked 'round until they found you;

But they did not send you on roses to tread,

So many sharp thorns were placed in your bed;

And how bravely you've fought through life's rugged way,

With a sweet smiling face and heart hopeful and gay;

With faith and with patience you've trusted in God

Amid trials and hardships, have been true to the rod.

O the joy and the pride, God looks from above

Upon you, Dearest Mother, with His tender love;

He knows how oft at the close of the day

You've gathered your children around you to pray;

Ah, I fancy I see us now at your knee„

Little boys and girls so full of glee;

But those happy days have now passed away,

And you, Dearest Mother, have grown old and gray;

The once rosy cheek and the dark brown hair

Have faded with toil, with sorrow and care;

But you are just as sweet with your silvery hair

As you were when a maiden young and fair;

We love to gaze on your beautiful face,

Which beams with sunshine, love and grace.

O loving Mother, may God grant you peace,

And may your days of joy increase,

May we, your daughters and your sons,

Live the good life that you have done.

You have not sought honor, wealth, nor fame„

A humble, pure life has been your aim;

For your children you've sacrificed everything dear,

And your name, Precious Mother, we'll ever revere.

Yes, your eyes have grown dim and your form bent with care.

May we tenderly smooth each silvery hair,

Strew flowers around, speak kind words of love,

'Til God calls you to dwell in His home up above.

Elizabeth White Stewart is on the horse and those are mostly her children. My great great grandfather is the boy in the middle next to the woman. 

One of my favorite things about her is that she was a very hard worker. When she "had four small children, [she] milked seven cows night and morning, and the following year [she] made one thousand pounds of butter out of which [she] paid one hundred pounds for tithing. All of the soap, which [she] used for laundry work for forty years, was what [she] made [herself]. [She] washed wool, picked it, spun and dyed it, and wove it into cloth and made clothes by hand for my six children before getting a sewing machine. [She] braided straw and sewed it into hats.


During the early part of [her] married life, sugar was so scarce and high in price that [they] boiled beets and made a syrup from them which served in the place of sugar. [They] also made preserves from carrots cooked in beet syrup. Wild currants were cooked and sweetened in the same way."

It is awesome to see a lineage of hardworking and faithful people. My great great great grandmother was faithful enough to make the trip with her family to America. I am so grateful to her for that. I am grateful she sacrificed so much to come and to her mother, my great great great great grandmother. 

Women to Admire: Harriet Tubman

Happy Black History Month! I thought it would be fitting to honor a person of color for the month of February. In 8th grade I did a report on Harriet Tubman and ever since I have admired her. She was an amazing woman.

Harriet Tubman lived through slavery, but when she was a girl she got hit so badly that she suffered from sleeping spells the rest of her life. It was a constant challenge to deal with, but she carried on with her duties every day the best she could.

There are a few things that have impressed me the most about Harriet. I never knew she was a religious person before reading more about her from her contemporaries. They say she had a sort of prophesying power being able to accomplish and do the things she did...especially pertaining to her great work for the Underground Railroad. There is no exact number for how many people she was able to lead to the free land of the North, but it is believed to be around 300. Her mission to rescue people began when she set foot on free land. She said:

I looked at my hands...to see if I was de same person now I was free. Dere was such a glory ober eberything, de sun came like gold trou de trees, and ober de fields, and I felt like I was in heaven...

So it was wid me. I had crossed de line of which I had so long been dreaming. I was free; but dere was no one to welcome me to de land of freedom, I was a stranger in a strange land, and my home after all was down in de old cabin quarter wid de ole folks, and my brudders and sisters. But to dis solemn resolution I had came; I was free, and dey should be free also; I would make a home for dem in de North, and de Lord helping me, I would bring dem dere. Oh, how I prayed den, lying all alone on de cold, damp ground; "Oh, dear Lord," I said, "I haint got no friend but you. Come to my help, Lord, for I'm in trouble!" (Bradford 17-18)

And she prayed all day long. Her prayers were conversations with God. It wasn't what you would consider a typical prayer where you sit/kneel and prayed with your eyes closed and arms folded, but she talked with God all day long as she worked and as she walked. She told Him everything that was on her mind and He always guided her. She never would doubt His hand in her life. She had complete faith, even a knowledge, that she would not die until it was her time. She always expected God to help her and give her answers to prayers. That is a great faith that I strive to have and hope to develop.

But I not only admire her for her faith, but her drive to do good. To take care of others. She not only helped people to freedom while her own life was on the line, but she took care of soldiers and scouted for them all without pay. She just always did the right thing. She never asked for anything in return. She got a prompting to do something and did it. I drag my feet so often when I should be doing other things, and this woman, who surely suffered more than I ever have, never complained and just went to work. I want to be like that. I don't want to make excuses. I want my daughters to do good things, to have integrity and charity like Harriet Tubman.

Quotes and information are from "Harriet Tubman: The Moses of Her People" by Sarah Bradford

Women to Admire: Marjorie Pay Hinckley

If you are suffering from self-doubt and low self esteem, you must read about Marjorie Pay Hinckley. She undoubtedly knows how to make you feel like 1 million bucks. She sees everyone's worth no matter how insignificant you feel or how small you see yourself. She has inspired me to love myself for what I am, and to love and serve those I can.

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"I recently read a study of 275 college men and women. It revealed that over 90 percent suffered from gnawing, frustrated feelings of deficiency. They gave all sorts of reasons: physical incompetence, unpleasant appearance, lack of social charm, failure in love, low intellectual ability. To me a form of compensation is almost always possible. The homely young woman may develop the more wit and charm because she is homely. The shy youth with a temperament of a recluse may find a useful niche in scientific research. 

No well-integrated life is possible without self-acceptance. If you are shy, accept it. If you have no musical ability, accept it, as though to say: "I, John Smith, hereby accept myself with my inherited endowments and the elements in my environment that I cannot control, and I will now see what I can do with this John Smith." "

Marjorie makes you feel like the world is your oyster. When I was a new college student I felt like the world was at my fingertips. I had all the potential and possibilities in the world. After I got married and had my second baby I began to feel defeated...like this was no longer true. I was being pulled in too many directions and I was still trying to gracefully handle it all. I wanted so much to be the perfect wife, the perfect friend, and the perfect mother. I was treading water. But I have gained strength in my knowledge that while being perfect would be awesome it is not obtainable. And my feelings of inadequacy are still there, but they have diminished greatly. Sister Hinckley, as we call her in my church, says "the rewards of intellectual curiosity are many. The world will always be your pumpkin, full of magic, full of wonder. You will be interesting to your friends, to your husband, and a joy to your children. You will have perpetual youth." The world is still at my fingertips. I can still learn many things every day. Marge did not have a formal college education because during that time of her life it was the great depression so instead she worked, but one of her many great traits was her thirst for knowledge and everyone that knows her acknowledges her love of books and studying.

I will end this with a story that Marjorie Hinckley told:

Some years ago I had a friend who decided at the age of fifty that she was going to learn to play the piano. She courageously started with Thompson's Book I. Each morning she went to the church at seven o'clock, where she would practice on the piano and the organ. After about a year they asked her to play a special musical number for the Relief Society (our church's women's organization) lessons. She said she didn't feel ready, and to give her another three months. The three months passed, and she consented to play a special number that she had memorized. This was her first public appearance on the piano. She started out beautifully. It went well for about three measures, then she lost it. Everything went blank. Her music teacher, who was present, said "Don't be ruffled Merle. Just start over." She started over and made it all the way through without a single mistake. 

We have never loved Merle like we loved her that morning. Perhaps it was because she faltered a little in the beginning and we were all pulling for her, saying to ourselves, "Come on, Merle, you can do it." If her performance had been flawless from the start, we might all have been defensive and said, "Oh well, Merle can learn to play the piano because her husband is the kind who will get his own breakfast while she practices and her children don't make demands on her" and so on and so on and so on. As it was, she faltered a little, and we loved her the more. That experience has given me great comfort. I figure that if I fall a little short of what is expected of me, perhaps my sisters in the gospel (and hopefully those others not of our faith) will be compassionate and love me for trying. 

It was Lucy Mack Smith who said, "Let us all help one another, that we may sit down together in heaven."

And that, my friends, is how Marjorie Pay Hinckley lived her life. She was always looking to love, to help, and to care. She was genuine in her interactions with everyone she met. When she asked "how are you?" she really wanted to know. She gave sincere compliments and gave thanks for those given to her. I want my children to grow up thinking of this woman's example of how to live life in optimism, faith, and humor.

Know that you are worth it. You are awesome. Accept it. Believe it. And do good with it.

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Her husband loeved her so much.
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She is so cute and small. I believe Under 5 feet.
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I found all of my information from a book entitled Glimpses into the Life and Heart of Marjorie Pay Hinckley edited by Virginia Pearce (one of her daughters). Marjorie's quotes are in green.

Women to Admire

Big. 

Dirty.

Chaotic.

Uncontrollable. Scary. Immoral. Unjust. 

These are a few words that come to my mind when I think of the world I am raising my children in. I am not typically a pessimist but when I gave birth to that first little gift from God...I became wary. This world has so much in it that I am terrified for my children to be exposed to. I have to teach them to travel in twos because the possibility of them getting raped is 1:5. My heart is crying thinking about anyone or anything hurting them. 

That being said there are so many things that are great about this world; our technological advances, our medical information, the opportunity to get a good education. All this is wonderful. 

I want my daughters to grow up believing and hoping for the best. Seeing the best in others. I want them to find people to admire. To help model their lives after. I want them to have so many influences of goodness, love, and compassion. Who are these influences? 

My project for this year is called "Women to Admire." I am going to be researching and writing one blurb about one woman a month. Each woman will be someone who holds specific talents, and traits that allow them to do incredible things with courage. Your definition and my definition of incredible may be different, but I believe even small things like teaching a child to walk, or forgiving someone for lying/cheating/stealing are incredible things. These women will be real woman. Some have lived difficult lives. Some have lived blessed lives. But they have all taken their circumstances and lived for something good and better. That, to me, is something to be admired. I hope when you read about these women that you are touched and maybe even look further into their lives. I hope they help you, like they have me, to become someone better than I am today. Keep an eye out for these posts. The first one is coming at you sometime this week.  

Lisa's Birthstory

Our pregnancy with Lisa was the hardest and most challenging trial we have faced in our marriage. It's been so hard. But this face, and these fingers and toes, and cute little nose made it worth it.

Two days before I reached 33 weeks I went back to the hospital because I had been having constant contractions. When we walked through the Labor and Delivery room doors we got a warm welcome: What are you guys doing back here? At least you're 32 weeks now! 

They knew us well. 

They did all the usual checks; blood pressure, monitoring baby heartbeat, monitoring contractions, etc. I mentioned that I had felt a bit damp the day before so my nurse Chrystal did a swab of my cervix. Another nurse came in and was an inch away from poking me with Terbutaline to stop the contractions when Crystal read off the positive test result for amniotic fluid. My waters were leaking. The nurse put down the needle and they moved me to a delivery room. I sat there for the next two days trying to keep my sweet girl in for as long as possible. The contractions started getting more intense so I got an epidural. I was 6 cm. A couple hours later I got my nurse to come in because I wanted to be checked. She asked if it felt like I was having pressure. And I said no, but that it felt like someone's finger was on my butt hole which apparently is common with epidurals. She looked and suddenly there were two more nurses and the lady doctor on shift (Dr. Smith), and they called in two more nurses from the NICU to take Baby Girl away after she was born. I was a little out of it, but Marcus said he could tell by the look on the nurse's face that they were concerned about something. Apparently I was birthing large blood clots. (We found out nothing about those, but everything seems to be fine now.) 

The anesthesiologist giving me my epidural.

My feet are very narrow and skinny so it may be difficult to tell, but the epidural made my feet swollen...and numb obviously.

Push.

Push.

Push.

Baby Girl came out crying with her foot next to her full head of hair...maybe we should put her in gymnastics.. It was Sunday March 6, 2016 at 2:50am. She was 5lbs 2oz and 20 inches long. I got to see her for 20 seconds before they took off with her to put tubes and cords on her. They tried to get me to hand express some milk right away to stimulate my milk production. I tried a little but then I felt so drained. I wanted to sleep for days. After 10 weeks on bed rest and going in and out of the hospital I was exhausted. 

When I woke up from a two hour nap they wanted to move me to the postpartum wing. Once I stood up I wanted to puke and my head was in so much pain. A few hours later it was determined that I had a spinal headache. The only thing I can compare this headache to on the pain scale is natural childbirth (I had an unmedicated birth with Madeline). Like...would I rather give birth without meds OR get an epidural and have a spinal headache? I think if we have another biological child, we will forgo an epidural. The spinal headache lasted 10 days. My labors last a couple hours. I can handle a couple hours of intense pain. 10 days of nonfunctionability (is that even a word?) isn't worth it. 

They got me in the next day to have a Blood Patch which is supposed to stop the spinal fluid from leaking out since blood clots and forms and creates a Bandaid effect. The patch worked for about a day. I went in to see my girl for the first time really. While there we named her and the nurse on duty let me put her on my chest. She was so tiny. I started to cry because I tried my best to hold her in as long as I could and she still came early. I hated that she had to be there with all the cords. I felt like it was my fault and my heart was breaking not being able to snuggle her newborn body all the time. 

Lisa stayed in the NICU for 21 long days. I went every day after my spinal headache went away. Those days I couldn't go were torture. I cried my eyes out multiple times a day. Marcus was definitely my rock during these days. It didn't seem to affect him the same way it did me. He loves his children but let's be honest...he's not the mama. I yearned to have this little tiny baby that we created in my arms and in our home. The day we brought her home was such a happy surprise. When we came in to visit her the doctor came over to talk with us and said "well, we don't really see any need to keep her here. There's nothing more we can do for her here that you can't do for her at home." So we left her there and picked the girls up from church and went shopping for supplies. We didn't have anything like a bassinet and other items since we didn't know when she would be coming home...and having them there while she was in the NICU would just remind me she wasn't where we wanted her. After that we went back to the hospital and picked her up with the freshly laundered car seat and blankets and her coming home outfit. Madeline was especially excited because she had been waiting nearly a month for this sweet baby to sleep at our house. It was an incredibly long day. And after she was home Faye started puking. My bedroom was quarantined and Marcus went to work the Tuesday after that and so I was left home alone for the first time with three children. Two were vomiting. And I had a newborn. It was so hard. I caught the bug a week later and could not get out of bed. It was so bad. But the senior missionary couple came over and helped watch the children while I was in bed. They were such a blessing. My parents arrived the next day, and then I got better. 

Other pictures that fall into the story:

The girls came and visited while we were still in the hospital.

Marcus cuddled and visited this sweet girl while I couldn't.

She was so small Marcus' hand was bigger than her whole head!

Our first family photo without the sisters.

Tiny feet!

Lisa Christine is a beautiful, sweet gift. We are grateful to have her in our lives.

Spewing Thoughts on this Pregnancy

This pregnancy has been the most difficult one for me. I'm trying to understand what is going on. Why did I go into preterm labor at 23 weeks as opposed to 26 weeks with Faye? Why do I go into preterm labor at all? It's frustrating and I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I am trying to be a good sport about this whole thing, but my body is achy and tired. Can you imagine your body contracting for 8 weeks? 8 weeks. That is how long I've been on bed rest unable to care for my children the way I want to. That is how long my muscles have been deteriorating. That is how long I have been fighting to keep this baby growing in my uterus. It has been a loooooong fight. And we're still going. Every day I cross off means she will be a little bit healthier at birth.

I know there are plenty of parents who do not get to bring their babies home with them right away from the hospital or even...at all. I'm grateful I hit a healthy milestone and know that if this girl decided now was the time she would spend time in the NICU but she would come home in a month. I just really want to leave the hospital with our baby. I don't want to be one of those parents. I pray for those that are. It is a tough battle.

I have been really fortunate to have wonderful friends and family praying for me and our little girl. People ask about us all the time and how we are doing. Marcus finally hit the limit of questions at work last week though. When so many people ask how things are going, and frankly they suck, he tries to be kind but he doesn't want to talk about it. He is exhausted too. We've been in and out of the hospital 7 times now. I wish they would just keep me. They won't because after a few days there my contractions get under control and it seems as though everything is calm. So, on paper, I don't need to be there. Insurance only cares what it looks like on paper. They have to send me home. If I lived in the middle of nowhere they would keep me, but my local hospital is only 15 minutes away, and the specialized hospital for premies is 40 minutes away. Anyways, all the driving and finding people to cover his shift, and trying to figure out how to still be a good father has been difficult for him. My mother-in-law flew in to help which has been such a blessing. The last two trips to the hospital she was here and we didn't have to worry about leaving at night and what we would do with the girls. Since she was here we were able to just grab my hospital bag and go. But she is leaving this week. And Marcus has his night shift and 24 hour shift and I am nervous. I don't like being left alone...because...what if? I get caught up in my mind with things that could go wrong while Marcus is away for so long. I'm sitting at 3cm and when I get to 4-5cm my body progresses quickly. With both my girls they came within 2 hours of regular contractions/my water breaking.

I wish I had kept count of how many needles have stung me this pregnancy. It's been a LOT. I have bruised arms and legs. And now that I have been diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (the least of my worries) I prick myself (it's scary for me every time) 4x a day.

We're so fatigued from trying to be strong for so long. We need those around us to help carry this load. And we are being helped. We are so grateful. But it may seem like we are not but we're just tired. Really tired. Just know we appreciate everything that has been done for us and on our behalf. We are grateful for all the prayers. We are grateful for the meals. We are grateful for the thoughts. We are grateful.

The first time we went to  the hospital I was put on Magnesium Sulfate and after three days my feet got so swollen.

This IV bruised so badly. I haven't had this one for two weeks, but there is still a nasty bruise. 

This was a shower day. Woo!

I love when I get to goof with Maddy. She brings such a light to my heart. 

They were finally able to visit me in the hospital and I was so happy. 

Marcus tries to make our room more lively and beautiful by bringing home flowers. <3 td="">

I miss being a good mom. 

I have picked up crocheting but only the single stitch. I want to finish this blanket for the baby before she comes!

This was how we spent Valentine's day.

29 weeks.

Sorry it's upside down. But this is how they monitor the baby's heart rate and my contractions whenever I go to the hospital. Sometimes I have to try and sleep with all these things hooked up to me including an IV and pulse monitor.

My most recent hospital stay. Thankfully they were able to stop the contractions with flluids, and terbutaline. No Mag! Yay.

He has gotten used to sleeping in these hospital chair-beds. They fold out further, but he was so tired.

This IV was the MOST painful one ever. The nurse learned how to do IV's on a different system so she is still learning how to work these and it gushed blood and bruised and hurt just sitting there. The hand IV's are also the most sensitive spot. But, I have good veins there. 

Pregnancy Survey:

How far along? 31 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I am finally back up at prepregnancy weight after my weight loss when I was put on Magnesium Sulfate the first time.
Sleep: I sleep long and hard these days.
Best moment this week: Coming home from the hospital and seeing my girls.
Food cravings: A Blizzard, Sour Cream and Onion Lays Chips, Stuffed French Toast, etc.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Sometimes I just hate the smell of my husband's shampoo. But it's not every day. My meds also make me feel sick sometimes, but I need to keep these contractions under control.
Have you started to show yet: Yes!

Leakage: Noooo.
Gender prediction: It's a girl!
Wedding rings on or off? On.
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy aside from when I get frustrated for being on bed rest or the trips to and from the hospital.
Milestones: Six more days until the big 32 week milestone, but "every day in is a week less in the NICU" as my doctor says.
Maternity clothes? If I get dressed. Lately I'm in nightgowns and hospital gowns.
Have you told family and friends: Yes! Everyone is excited.
Movement: She gets the hiccups at least once a day which is so meaningful to me because it means she is practicing her breathing or tasting what I've been eating.
Labor Signs: Yes. I have been losing the big mucus plug but it can regenerate so hopefully it keeps regenerating with all my water-drinking and bed rest.
Belly Button in or out? In when I am laying down or sitting. Out when I am out of bed, and based on where the baby is bunched up.