Rite of Passage, Mama is My First Name, Self-Esteem, and More

1. It seems like a rite of passage to parenthood is having the children join you while you go to the bathroom. Madeline decided to join me the other day for the trillionth time. About ten minutes later she said, "Mama, you have a beautiful butt." And you know what? It totally made me feel beautiful. I can't say anyone has ever said that about me. Children see things in a way that is so fresh and unadulterated. They see things that might be left unseen otherwise.

2. Today I was trying to teach Maddy how to say our last name. After, she said "Sampson Thack-ry...Mama Thack-ry...Papa Thack-ry." My first name is Mama, don't ya know?

3. I struggle with self esteem issues. I just don't feel like there is anything extraordinary about me, but my teeth are dang strong, and I know I'm not ugly. In any case, all I see when I look in the mirror is acne scars, whiskers, eyebrows with no apparent arch, stretch marks, jiggly bits, and a lopsided face. If we, as humans, see beauty as symmetry...that's not me. But today I read a great quote by Elder David A. Bednar, "There is a beauty in [the] countenance that's not physical." I am spiritually good. I have good intentions and good morals. I try to be kind to everyone around me. I hope when people meet me they think "She is a pleasant person" or "We could be friends." I saw this the other day:

It kinda helps. But, I know a model. She IS the girl the magazine, and she is beautiful and she is kind. I don't know her whole life or her struggles, but she is beautiful and that is one of her gifts in this life. I often think about when I become whole again, after this life, that my body --in its resurrected form--will choose one of my sides to become symmetrical with.  Which side will it be? I think I like my left side more than my right. 

4. Maybe not every women cares about if she becomes a mother. But I feel like if you are one that does care people complain on both sides of the line. They complain if they can't get pregnant, and they complain while they are pregnant. I'm guilty. I have incredibly painful cramps when my period comes around, and I get really emotional and tired. It sucks. Then, I complain while I am pregnant because pregnancy is not easy for me. Our trials in this life are so different. I hope we can share our pains and mourn together, but I also hope that we can share our happiness and smile together. Truly.

5. My mother-in-law is coming to visit next month! We are so excited to have family visiting. She is coming to drop Sarah, my sister-in-law, off. Sarah is going to live with us for a little bit before she heads off to college. It's weird that I'm not in college anymore. It's even weird that I'm married and have children. Where did my 15-year-old self go? I can say "Twenty years ago" and still have memories of that time. What?!

6. Little Faye turned 1 last week. She seemed to know and started learning a bunch of new things like real intentional kisses, waving hello, and almost-walking-but-definitely-standing-on-her-own.

Workout Jams, Missing Myself, 30 Day Challenge, and Other Stuff.

1. Today I was exercising to some awesome workout jams on my husband's phone while Faye took her nap and Maddy watched Buddies on Netflix. I was riding my exercise bike and throwing out some pretty sweet dance moves with my upper body. I wonder what I looked like and hope it didn't look like I was insane to someone looking in from the outside. The next thing I know *thump* Madeline tried climbing over the back of the couch but fell off instead. It probably scared her more than hurt her. I really wanted to be so mad at her for climbing over the back of the couch because I've told her a thousand times that it' not safe and that she can get hurt but I couldn't be because about ten minutes later she was climbing over the couch again. The fact that she wanted to try it again to prove to herself that she in fact *could* do it without falling off was a bit inspiring. However, I don't care for her disobedience one bit. I am wander-struck that when we fail we can pick ourselves back up and do it again and again--no matter how many times it takes to get it right.

2. Jesus allows us to make those mistakes and get back on track. My hero.

3. I felt a piece of myself that I have missed while I was working out to music. I mean, I felt like that 17-year-old girl ready to shake her booty to some sweet melodies and make friends in the process. Only this time I was making friends with myself again. "Hi self, I have missed you."

4. I'm giving myself a 30 day challenge of working out every day (minus Sundays). I have been increasing my level of activity gradually since January because my resolution has been to intentionally exercise a few times a week. I am slowly feeling my body gain strength. I'm still a tired mama, but at least I have goals and that is making all the difference in my countenance.

5. My Grandpa Ted died last night. It feels weird, but still like a total loss. I feel sad. I mean...I feel sad for him. He never joined the fold again. I lost touch with him so I am not really even sure if he was trying to come back even with baby steps. He left my grandma and children when my dad was about 19 years old. It left my dad with a huge responsibility to help with his siblings. I admire my dad for that and I know that experience helped him to become the man he is now. I'm not really sure of all the details because my dad never really talks about it. But I still have fond memories going to my grandpa's house for Thanksgiving celebrations and visiting the rocky beach of Oceanside. I loved his little Kumquat tree in the back yard. He didn't have a lot of child-friendly things at his house but it gave us a time to play outdoors and feel the breeze and misty air. Anyways, I am glad he is no longer in pain from his cancer (although he died of two heart attacks).

6. One thing that Marcus and I find challenging is knowing when exactly to add sheep to our little flock. The next time we get pregnant we will know because of the same process--prayer and temple attendance. In Rexburg the temple was a few blocks away. Here the temple is 2 hours away. We haven't been to the temple yet, but we are renewing our recommends this week to hopefully attend this month. It will definitely be a lengthier process because of the distance.

Faye likes to climb under everything. This is the coffee table ottoman. 

Marcus wanted to take a duck face selfie, so we did. 

I can't get enough of this picture.

Madeline tried some Misso Soup. She loved it. Marcus and I did not. 

This girl!

She started drinking out of the sippy a couple of weeks ago out of nowhere. She's growing up so quickly!

This is Faye's friend James.

This is Madeline's best friend Ethan. They love hanging out. It's a good thing their moms get along, too! :)

Madeline got her purse and was ready to go to work; just like Papa. 

I felt pretty and put on some makeup. 

Allergies, Bowling, and Cute Girls.

1. After every storm I get an allergy attack. It is terrible, but now that I've caught on to the rhythm that my body and mother nature roll to, I will just take my meds the night of a storm.

2. We went bowling as a family today. It was wonderful! We only ever play one game because when you have a three year old and a great big world nothing entertains for long. I broke 100 which is a huge deal for me. The little family we were playing next to were really good, but the man was super passionate and intense. The little girl said she wasn't having fun and he grabbed her and got in her face and said "if you try it would be fun." It was mean in my opinion and she, as a 7-year-old, had already broken 100. I am glad I know it is just a game. Maddy was having fun and so were we.

3. Monday was Madeline's third birthday. She is my best friend. I am still her mom and I set the boundaries, but we are very close and we snuggle on and off all day long.

4. I have a goal to lose 30 pounds by September, but it seems more difficult than I had hoped. I have only lost five pounds and it looks like I have already plateaued. Marcus and I are doing only salads next week. It is a trial run. But I know if you only eat vegies the pounds will shed off. I want it to be the push my body needs. Plus, we got an exercise bike and it should arrive next week sometime. Here's to health!

5. Here's a cute video of my girls:   

6. We decorated Madeline's room (which will soon be the girl's shared room when my sister in law gets here in the summer) for her birthday. It has everything she loves (minus dogs). Here are some pictures: 

These butterflies were easy but time consuming. It only cost $1 for the poster board and we used tape and crayons to make the pops of color. So easy and such a great effect. 

Marcus made the bed. I am proud of him and so is he :) 

7. I want to make plans for a vacation. I am getting bored from the day-to-day things we do. It's time. We've been here long enough that I feel comfortable with a weekend trip. We will see! If you have any ideas, let me know! I want it to be relatively cheap, but still fun for the whole family.

That's everything up to date. We are happy and everything is good for the most part. <3 nbsp="" p="">

Mom-hard-days.

It's difficult to find a minute to write these days.

Children screaming.

Dishes piled in the sink.

Food that needs to be prepared.

Laundry to fold

--lots of laundry.

Noses to blow.

Diapers to change.

Nails to clip.

-deep breath-

Bills to pay.

Errands to run.

Medicine to take.

Medicine to give.

The trash is full.

The dog needs to pee.

Arguments debated.

-sigh-

Hugs to give.

Kisses blown.

"I love you's" whispered.

It's busy. 

It's chaotic.

But there is still good.

Things that have happened/random thoughts:

Madeline told me she wanted to fly the other day. I looked at her, not wanting to ruin her dreams, and said "you don't have wings, baby." She looked at me and ran upstairs. Three minutes later she was back in front of me wearing her dress-up butterfly fairy wings. She proved me wrong. She DOES have wings. 

This morning Faye was crying in the kitchen for no apparent reason. Madeline said, "I want to help her." But she just kept crying. I put her to bed because she was tired. Madeline cares so much for her baby sister.

I feel ugly. Sometimes just so ugly. I don't really have time for myself and lately the house has been sick. But I look at all the pretty moms that ARE gorgeous for what seems like all the time. Sometimes I feel like my outward appearance doesn't reflect the beauty I know is within. I do think women have the right to be beautiful whenever, though. Like, they shouldn't feel guilty for looking pretty. But why am I so hard on myself for not doing my hair, and not doing my makeup, and not having a REAL outfit aside from yoga pants and tshirts?

Someone should create a tshirt bra combination. 

I strained a muscle in my neck so I went to the ER and they prescribed some pain killers. But they rushed me through and did not really care about diagnosing the cause. I suppose that all ER's are like that according to my mom and husband. So, I went to the doctor and she told me the cause is this: stress and fatigue from not sleeping. She recommended massage therapy (which insurance does not cover) and Marcus and I switching who stays up with Faye at night. I can't bear to have Marcus stay up though because he works all day and really needs to be on his game...mind-wise. But The doctor DID recommend it. 

I feel so guilty about not being able to keep up on housework. I feel like a lazy person. But I am so tired. 

We did our taxes and having a second baby gave us a bigger return than we ever expected. 

There was poop all over the toilet downstairs this morning. Madeline tried to go by herself. It's a happy mom-moment, but also a horrific one where I am the one who has to clean it. At least she tried. 

I don't know how to become close friends with people anymore. It's like all this business has caused me to exhaustion and no time for anything else.

I NEED to take time for myself. How do you do that?

People have been posting blogs about postpartum depression and anxiety. I think I have that. I'm not crying all the time but I know I am not myself. I get so upset at my baby for not letting me sleep. I haven't slept for almost 9 months. It's getting to me. I know she will eventually, but for now...I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I love her. I love her laughs and I miss her when she's asleep during nap times. But I know she is 90% of the reason for me not sleeping at night. 

Madeline loves to wear dresses. 

Marcus has Valentine's weekend off. I hope we do something wonderful. :) 

All Hallow's Eve!

To begin our Halloween festivities we went to our church Halloween party and trunk-or-treat. I was a tiger, Madeline was a lion, and Faye was a cute little bear. Marcus was our zoo keeper. I got all our costumes for under $50! 

Madeline learned how to say "trick-or-treat" which she picked up on fast because she knew it meant getting candy in her bag.

At 6 o'clock we started our trick-or-treating in our new family-friendly neighborhood. There are TONS of children here and they are pretty cute. Madeline got a whole bag full of candy which is funny because I think we spent more money on buying candy for other people for Halloween. But I guess that's how it goes when you're the home owners. 

Anyways, this year's Halloween was great and fun.