Words from Faye and Madeline...and Me too

While the toddler is asleep...

1. I feel like a failure some days. My husband will come home and look around like "I went to work and fulfilled my responsibilities...what did you do?" It's only a look that lasts a few seconds, but I know what it means, and he would never actually say those things. But I can tell. So, some days I just feel like a failure. But let me tell you, I do not have enough energy to keep everything spic and span. I do not have enough energy to keep the toys in the playroom, or fold three loads of laundry. I do not have enough energy. Children are like life-suckers. They get all their energy from the 12 hours of sleep they get at night. They get it from the food they constantly eat. They get it from me. Where does the energy I have go? Preparing breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner (though my husband shares in this responsibility), changing diapers, running errands, cleaning major messes, comforting scared sobs, kissing boo boos and owies, and dressing everyone. Yes, getting ready for 3 people (sometimes 4) means I don't get to spend a lot of time focusing on how I look. So I look half thrown together most days. But you  know what? This is the life I chose, and the life I always wanted. I just imagined it to be a little more...easier. I love my children. They make my love grow exponentially every day. I never knew my heart could feel so much love. I never knew it could hurt so much when they get hurt, or that I could be so happy and joyful that it made me cry because my daughter said a prayer, or she said "I love you, you're my best friend." So, even though I have no  energy to actually do anything, I know I am doing something...loving my children unconditionally.

2. Things Madeline says: "Mom, the FREAKING thunderstorm woke me up!"
"Mother, please help." Of course, I'm not the mother she is referring to. She is talking about her My Little Ponies.
"Oh no! Your cutie mark is missing!"

3. Faye has two new words in her vocabulary: hello and apple. Oh, and "wow!"

4. Most people don't know this but I had a miscarriage. I never thought that would happen to me. I had no problems getting pregnant with Madeline nor with Faye, so it shocked me when it happened. It was early and the doctors consider it a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was the hope of having another spirit in our home. The doctor I saw said "I wouldn't even say you had a miscarriage because you haven't had your menstrual cycle yet and it could just be a week early...it's considered normal to have 2 irregular cycles a year..." Whatever dude. I have never had a cycle start a week early. EVER. Two weeks after my miscarriage I had a normal period, so he was wrong. It was a miscarriage and this was the period--now 2 weeks late. I am okay now. I am happy. Life is good. I was upset and depressed for a week, but now I just want to get back to normal. I'm in waiting mode right now...the waiting game sucks! And yet, some have to wait so so so long for their littles. I don't know how I would handle that. But the thing is, we handle the trials we are given. They are all different and some suck more than others at different times of our lives. Good thing the Lord has our backs. He knows what we want. He knows what we NEED.

Bookshelves and Vacation

I have been trying to get my lovely home in order since we moved in last September. It is slowly coming together.

We made these last month:

My sister-in-law moved in and we went on vacation. It has been non-stop since last Tuesday, but I think it's better than being bored. Our vacation was spent in downtown Charleston which is such a great city. It's sad all the crappy things happening around (the dog Caitlin's muzzle being taped shut, the person being shot by the cop, and the recent mass shooting at the church) because it really is a great place. We went to the aquarium which was fun and Grandma got Madeline a cute mermaid which was expensive but perfect for a grandma gift. After we ate at a popular sandwich joint and I got a Gyro which really hit the spot. My salivary glands are watering just thinking about it. Then we stayed at a hotel and ate at a fine dining restaurant with some fancy fish. The next day we went to the beach. It was a really laid back trip and we really enjoyed ourselves. I wish I had money to do so much more, but we're here for a while so we have time to get to all those places. The girls LOVED the beach. So much.  

Rite of Passage, Mama is My First Name, Self-Esteem, and More

1. It seems like a rite of passage to parenthood is having the children join you while you go to the bathroom. Madeline decided to join me the other day for the trillionth time. About ten minutes later she said, "Mama, you have a beautiful butt." And you know what? It totally made me feel beautiful. I can't say anyone has ever said that about me. Children see things in a way that is so fresh and unadulterated. They see things that might be left unseen otherwise.

2. Today I was trying to teach Maddy how to say our last name. After, she said "Sampson Thack-ry...Mama Thack-ry...Papa Thack-ry." My first name is Mama, don't ya know?

3. I struggle with self esteem issues. I just don't feel like there is anything extraordinary about me, but my teeth are dang strong, and I know I'm not ugly. In any case, all I see when I look in the mirror is acne scars, whiskers, eyebrows with no apparent arch, stretch marks, jiggly bits, and a lopsided face. If we, as humans, see beauty as symmetry...that's not me. But today I read a great quote by Elder David A. Bednar, "There is a beauty in [the] countenance that's not physical." I am spiritually good. I have good intentions and good morals. I try to be kind to everyone around me. I hope when people meet me they think "She is a pleasant person" or "We could be friends." I saw this the other day:

It kinda helps. But, I know a model. She IS the girl the magazine, and she is beautiful and she is kind. I don't know her whole life or her struggles, but she is beautiful and that is one of her gifts in this life. I often think about when I become whole again, after this life, that my body --in its resurrected form--will choose one of my sides to become symmetrical with.  Which side will it be? I think I like my left side more than my right. 

4. Maybe not every women cares about if she becomes a mother. But I feel like if you are one that does care people complain on both sides of the line. They complain if they can't get pregnant, and they complain while they are pregnant. I'm guilty. I have incredibly painful cramps when my period comes around, and I get really emotional and tired. It sucks. Then, I complain while I am pregnant because pregnancy is not easy for me. Our trials in this life are so different. I hope we can share our pains and mourn together, but I also hope that we can share our happiness and smile together. Truly.

5. My mother-in-law is coming to visit next month! We are so excited to have family visiting. She is coming to drop Sarah, my sister-in-law, off. Sarah is going to live with us for a little bit before she heads off to college. It's weird that I'm not in college anymore. It's even weird that I'm married and have children. Where did my 15-year-old self go? I can say "Twenty years ago" and still have memories of that time. What?!

6. Little Faye turned 1 last week. She seemed to know and started learning a bunch of new things like real intentional kisses, waving hello, and almost-walking-but-definitely-standing-on-her-own.