So Much to Think About

Here's the thing, I can't seem to put how I am feeling into words. Maybe it's because I am feeling a bunch of different emotions at once. I'll tell you why.

1. I miss David.
2. I am anxious to move out of this Basement Apartment and settle down for the next two years in a normal apartment.
3. I see all my friends from high school graduating for college and I want to too!
4. Memorial Day

This is why I can't sleep at 12:30am while the baby is sleeping. It's a good excuse to be up at this hour if your baby is up too, but my baby isn't up, I just can't sleep. I'm hoping writing all my thoughts out will help...it has in the past. I just hope that when I finally do fall asleep that Madeline doesn't decide that it is time for her to wake up.

So, back to those reasons of feeling so many emotions... Reason 1. I was just missing talking to my brother. I was regretting not being better to him. While he was alive he was just my annoying brother that got on my nerves because of stupid choices he was making but that still had a way of making me laugh like crazy with his ridiculous lexicon. I can still hear "I've got skittles" and of course "bacon" and how could I forget "I wuv you" (he used to have a horrible time pronouncing 'r's.) I keep wondering what life would be like if he were still here... would he be serving an honorable mission? Would he be in his old rebellious ways? I do not know. All I know for a fact is that this older sister is seriously missing her baby brother with strong hands and a cute chuckle. Sometimes I just want to yell at Heavenly Father for taking him away, but I know that he is where he is supposed to be right now. I just hate that I got to experience the best childhood because of my siblings and now one of them is missing and life on Earth will never be the same without him because there will always be that void... I miss you so much brother. I guess that is part of the reason why God gives us families. How else would we know how to love so unconditionally?

Reason 2. This apartment has been such a blessing because it is cheap. It has two bedrooms and all utilities included. Awesome dealio for sure, but the ceilings are so darn low (two inches away from Marcus' head), and the bathroom could seriously use more counter, and leg space in front of the toilet. We are excited to move into the University Village in September (hopefully.) It has a ton of storage space and 9 foot ceilings. It feels like the ceilings go on and on like the sky seems to here in Rexburg. I am excited. The only thing is, we are on the waiting list. They will send out a mass email to all those on the waitlist in the next couple of weeks and the first people to reply are the ones that get the open spots. Man. I am crossing my fingers and praying we get in. Another good thing about our current place is that we have a month-to-month contract so we can move out really any time.

Reason 3. I know I have good excuses for not having graduated already--got married, had a baby--but I am so anxious to have my degree! I want to be that stay-at-home mom and wife that I always dreamed of being, but I NEED that degree first. It is essential to have one in these days. Life is so uncertain at times. I want to always be prepared as the prophets and apostles have encouraged us to be. So, here I am being antsy about my future. It is funny because my grad report says that I only have three semesters left... the thing is...who knows how long it will actually take me to get those three semesters done? I've had to go part time since becoming a mother (something that I love and will never give up.) How do you juggle school and motherhood? It it tough. I need help from my Savior! My classes are so difficult and I will be taking on a full course load this coming Winter in order to play catch-up...or rather don't-fall-behind-any-further. I think of The Little Engine That Could when feeling stressed about how I am going to take on such a task. And then after that I feel guilty for not thinking of my Savior first. He's got all my bases covered (which is such a weird idiom to me...the "all my bases covered" part.) Anyways, He does.

Reason 4. I feel terrible, but people have been posting pictures on Facebook like this: 
and like this:

I started feeling super horrible because I am guilty of doing the whole lets-have-a-barbecue-and-forget-what-memorial-day-is-really-about thing. So GUILTY. I think my plan to make up for my lack of honoring the soldiers who have died fighting for the Constitution and all that is right is to still have a BBQ, but to hold a moment of silence for all those brave and courageous individuals. I will also say a prayer over the feast for those that are currently in battle fighting for me and my kin. I would honor any person that I knew personally, but I do not know anyone. My Uncle Patrick served in the army, but he is alive and well with his beautiful family. I am grateful for his efforts though, as well as all the effort of those still in the Force.

Okay. I am done with my ramblings for the night. Ciao for now.