Re Centering Yourself

Pregnancy hormones and additional progesterone in the form of weekly shots coursing through my veins has really heightened my anxiety. Since becoming pregnant I have had three major episodes all of which were triggered by things that I think normally I could brush off my shoulders. Each time I experience an episode my self-esteem takes a hit. I haven't yet talked to my therapist about what could be the link or cause of this, so if you know, I would be interested to learn from you. 

Something I am doing to find myself again... or to battle the anxiety-related self-esteem-crush is to fill out the below questionnaire to remind myself who is inside this body (which feels very trapped at the moment). 

 I think being reminded of who I am will help to re-center my thoughts or at least give me hope that the person inside is still there and the anxiety is only temporary. It is only temporary. Not forever. 

Feel free to read on if you'd like to get to know me, too!

1. Are you happy? Where you are right now, doing what you’re doing, the life you’re living… are you happy? If not, what do you think you need to be truly happy?

I love that we are expanding our family and working hard for our future. I am very happy watching my children learn and grow.

2. What does a perfect day look like to you?

Sleeping in after a very comfortable and restful night's sleep. Breakfast at a local cafe. Finding a not-so-busy fair/carnival to play with the kids at. Ice cream. Mexican food for lunch. After noon rest/nap. Family movie at the theatre. Meeting up with friends for dinner and games. Journaling. Falling asleep after a nice back rub next to my sweet man. 

3. If you could change just one thing about your life, what would you change?

Eternal mental wellness and health. No anxiety. No self-doubt. 

4. If you only have six months left to live, would you change the way you are living your life now? 

No. I'm doing what I need to right now. 

5. What’s holding you back from living the life you would live if you were dying (refer to the question above)?

Finances. But I feel like that is on most people's wish lists. I have the important things. 

6. What are 5 things that can put a smile on your face no matter what?

Memes, my children, my husband, really delicious food/dessert, a massage.

7. If you inherited 1 million dollars from an uncle you’ve never heard of before, how would you spend that money? And how would you live your life?

We would pay off all our debts (student loans, car payment) and put half into investments and the other would become our fund to buy 2-10 acres of land and build our dream home with a beautiful sensory garden and livestock area. 

8. Have you ever felt truly loved by yourself or someone else? If so, can you distinctly remember a moment where you were filled with love?

Today my daughters came in after coloring pictures and presented me with sweet artworks. Also those sweet looks they gave me when I would nurse them as babies. 

9. What does it take for you to feel loved by yourself or someone else?

Knowing who that person is, where they've been, how far they've come. I think seeing someone's infinite potential is part of loving someone. 

10. Is there someone inside of you that is blocking love from your life? Maybe a belief or a past experience.

Honestly, I just annoy myself with overthinking.

11. Do you ever underestimate yourself? If so, name a time where you underestimated yourself and why you did it?

Yes. I feel like I have a dream to be an interior designer but I feel like I don't have the know-how or experience. But I enjoy designing spaces a lot. 

12. What lies do you continuously tell to those around you?

N/A My moral code prevents me from doing this.

13. What is your happiest memory?

Christmas morning with children is the best time you will ever have. It is magical.

14. Are there any lies you’ve been telling yourself regularly? Such as I’m ugly, why am I so stupid, no one loves me, etc.

I always say stupid things. I'm bad at conversations.

15. What is your biggest self-limiting belief?

My anxiety will control my life forever.

16. If you could have any career, what would it be?

Stay-at-home mom and interior designer. 

17. What is one problem that you see in the world?

Socialism and self-entitlement.

18. Is there anything you could do to help solve that problem in the previous question?

Raise my children to be grateful people and hard working members of the community that are altruistic. 

19. What are you truly passionate about?

My family and raising my children with good values.

20. What gifts or talents do you have that you typically hide from yourself or others?

I could probably pursue my artistic talents more. Most people don't know I play the flute albeit I am very rusty. I also get a terrible nervous tick--quivering bottom lip--while playing for others which makes it difficult to play. So I avoid it. 

21. Is there anything in your life that you are ashamed of?

My thoughts annoy me a lot. I nag myself all the time. It is exhausting. 

22. When you have free time, what do you like to do for fun?

Binge watch tv shows like Monk, Poirot, HGTV. I also love to journal and play games with friends and family.

23. What legacy do you hope to leave behind once your time on Earth is over?

A great posterity that knows I am a kind and charitable person and I always tried to live my life by a set of values and principals that would create a safe and happy home. 

24. Are there aspects of your life that you worry about?

Finances. Maybe never being free of the anxiety.

25. What is your greatest fear?

Losing a child. My parents lost two...which means I've lost two siblings. and it is devastating. I'm also scared of losing my husband. 

26. Do you believe that everything happens in your life for a reason?

Yes. There is a reason; whether it is because of choices people have made or it's part of the divine plan. 

27. What is your proudest accomplishment in life?

My babies.

28. In your life, what matters the most to you?

Family.

29. Do you prefer to spend time alone or with other people?

I think you need both to be balanced. 

30. Would you consider yourself to be an introvert or an extrovert? Are you energized by being with others or spending time alone?

I am extroverted. But I do love some quiet time to journal.

31. Are there any dreams that continue to repeat themselves when you sleep?

Being chased is my most common reoccurring dream in different settings.

32. If you could be a fly on the wall, what would people say about you behind closed doors?

I would love to know.

33. Do you feel like you know your purpose in life? If so, what is it? If not, is there anything holding you back from discovering your purpose?

Yes. My purpose in this life is to rear my children in love and righteousness. To nurture others and provide comfort to those in need. 

34. What would you consider to be your biggest failure in life?

I'm not sure anything is a failure until you quit trying...and I have never been a quitter. 

35. Do you rely on others to tell you what to do or how to act? If so, how can you remove this expectation and act based on your own beliefs?

No. 

36. Are there areas of your life that you notice you compare yourself to others? Your body, your job, your friend group, etc.

My body..definitely. There are pictures of half-nude women everywhere. I also have been given the gift of baring children and now my body is quite different than before. Grateful as I am for this beautiful gift, the world says stretch marks and any extra hairs outside your head are unsightly. So if I have those things...doesn't that mean I am unsightly? There are so many products promoting flawless skin rather than accepting the skin we have. It's hard. I also wish I had more energy to be that PTO mom or that cook-like-a-chef mom.. but I don't always. 

37. What are your short-term goals? And what are your long-term goals?

Survive this pregnancy and give birth to a healthy and happy baby boy. Raise a family and create a home with Marcus. 

38. If you could go back five years, what is one decision you made that you would change?

I would ask for a couple thousand dollars at closing from the previous owners of our home to replace destroyed flooring that we had to replace anyways.

39. What are your greatest strengths?

Endurance through trials, creativity, good-natured, hard working, empathetic, faithful.

40. How is your relationship with money?

Good. It doesn't rule my life but I recognize the need for it.

41. What do you believe is possible in your life?

Eternal happiness.

42. Who is your greatest role model?

Jesus Christ is my biggest exemplar. Then I admire very many women in my life each with their own unique gifts and talents. 

43. Do you believe in a greater force? Whether that is religiously or simply believing in the power of the Universe?

Yes. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. 

44. Are there people in your life that bring you down, hold you back, or fail to bring you joy? If so, is there a way that you could rid them from your life or confront them with your problems?

Yes. I'm working on it with my therapist. Sometimes I feel like that person is myself. 

45. What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?

She was kind. She loved with her whole self. She always saw the good in others. She tried her best to be her best self. 

46. How do you feel and react when you fail?

Disappointed but I keep trying.

47. What do you believe is the meaning of your life?

That question was kinda already answered in #34.

48. When something bad happens, do you tend to place blame on yourself, those around you, or a greater power?

Depends on what has happened. Did dinner burn? I probably left it in the oven too long. Did someone hit my parked car? The other person should have seen it parked so it's their fault. 

49. Do you believe in destiny? If so, what do you believe is yours?

I believe the choices you make will lead you to eternal happiness or eternal misery.

50. What would it mean to live your happiest life being your truest self every darn day?

happiness. 

"Me" Time

When your life is controlled by little monsters that spread peanut butter on your lower cabinets, and pee half in the toilet and half on the ground in front of your toilet, it is essential to find some time for yourself--"me" time. Unwinding for me usually only happens after bedtime...which can be read as "an hour after bedtime" because that's how long the kiddos take to stop coming out of their room. 

My me time:

For me, journaling is probably the most therapeutic and useful thing I do during me time. As I write my insights and thoughts about the day my ideas and experiences get sorted out. Then I can solve problems and see ways to improve my life and myself. I also often make lists in my journal; lists about talents I have, my goals for the week or year, people I can contact when I need advice, ways to love my husband, things I am grateful for, etc. 

Have you ever heard of Paint by Numbers? Well, you can buy these packs on Amazon and they are awesome! I am currently working on a canvas of sunflowers. It takes a lot of time and detail work but the finished product is awesome and then I feel like a true artist--move over Picasso! Anyway if you need an idea for something to do when you are bored I highly recommend this activity. 

Of course the most common activity I pursue during me time is tv-watching. Binge watching is my favorite thing. Speaking of, Netflix has a new concept with one of its newest shows "The Great British Baking Show" where it airs one new episode every week. For me this is a downfall. Who are you, Netflix? Cable? It is disappointing to not be able to watch the whole season. 

What do you do during me time? I am looking for more options as bed rest nears closer and closer. Please comment and let me know!

4

I have four syllables in my first name.
Four sides make up a square.
There are 4 cardinal directions.
There are four seasons.


Four is the only number spelled with the same number of letters as itself.
4 represents the four elements: earth, wind/air, fire, water.
The number 4 symbolizes the principle of putting ideas into form. It signifies work and productivity.
There are four suits in a deck of cards.


And now....


I am in the midst of my fourth pregnancy.

Our due date is February 1st, 2020, but you all know how much my body loves to stay pregnant...(not). I am hoping to keep this sweet little baby number 4 in until the end of December. My doctor is going to give me a cervical cerclage which is a stitch around the cervix. Hopefully this will help a lot. I am still expected to go on bed rest but I am not sure when. I will be on "modified" bed rest after I get my cerclage meaning I can't lift anything and I need to be careful how long I walk. And I need to make sure I am not stressing my body out etc. etc.



We are happy and blessed.

Pearls

2 years ago:

My heart felt like it was beating way too fast. So I placed my finger on my heart rate monitor and it WAS beating way too fast. In the middle of the night in my calm silent house, my heart knew something was wrong. I started to feel breathless and lightheaded. What was happening to me? I called my mom and started to feel less panic but then it happened again. Two world-shattering panic attacks in a row. I went to the hospital that night via ambulance because I thought I was dying. My heart felt like it couldn't take any more racing. The ER doctor gave me a little white pill called Lorazepam. It lulled me to sleep after Marcus picked me up and drove me home. But when waking up from that medicated sleep I felt SO depleted, alone, scared. The medication caused me to have thoughts I never thought a happy person such as myself would EVER have...which made me feel even more scared. I pictured myself standing in the middle of the road being hit by a car or truck left for dead.

After Lisa was born my view of motherhood and my planned life had to be shifted. I had always wanted a huge family with at least 8 kids and a husband that won the romantic award, and a dream home with a huge yard. But that is not what my life was turning out to be. Lisa's birth proved me wrong in my plans. I went into labor with her at 23 weeks and spent the next 10 in and out of the hospital multiple times a week and numerous treatments of different medications which slowed labor down. But she came at 33 weeks and then I had to become a NICU mom--balancing life at home with life at a hospital. I still woke up multiple times a night to pump breast milk with no baby to hold. It was a really difficult month. But we made it. My girl faught hard and came home to...a big sister with the stomach flu. Puking commenced the moment we got home.

So bringing Lisa home wasn't as magical as I wanted it to be. I was thrown into the trenches of motherhood from the beginning. And I wasn't paying attention. To myself.

When Lisa turned 4 months old I experienced my first ever panic attack as a mother. It wasn't huge. I was driving on a two-way road and a truck passed me going the opposite direction. My heart started racing as I thought "that truck could have easily crossed those painted lines and killed us" but after a moment the thought was gone and replaced with my list of to-do's for the day.

I ignored the prompting to see a therapist because darn that aforementioned to-do list. Finding someone to talk to and figure out what is triggering feelings is so hard. I felt like it was too hard. And I wasn't doing THAT badly. I was doing my dream job (stay at home mom) and handling it just fine.

Life went on and I felt so blessed...and WAS blessed to have what I had. Until that night two years ago I didn't take myself seriously.

I was working my dream job and living a really good and blessed life. But I wasn't taking care of myself. My self-care habits dwindled after the birth of my first child and decreased to almost nothing by my third. I still showered and brushed my teeth...but that was pretty much the extent of my self-care. I felt guilty for spending money on myself because #studentloandebt. There were so many better ways to spend our hard-earned money than on the material things that made me feel sparks of joy.

After my panic attacks I checked myself in to the behavioral unit and tried to find safety from my panic there...but they checked me into the detox unit which was SCARY and so uncomfortable for me. While I met some incredible people fighting incredible things... It was not where I should have been at my weakest moment. I have PTSD from that experience in itself.

So these last 2 years have been a time of healing and rebirth.

Here are some pearls of wisdom I have gathered since my self-discovery...or rather self-rediscovery (because we change after we become wives...and mothers...and when BIG things happen to us).

1. Find at least one thing that is YOU or was you that you have found peace and joy in doing. For me it is journaling. (I have shelves filled with my journals which contain my deepest thoughts, experiences, and promptings from the Lord. I wish I had never put my pen down. But I did and that is that.) Keep doing that thing. Even if it is hard.

2. Carve out time for yourself. I wish I had taken the time to journal. And now I do.

3. Have multiple dreams... I only had one: to become a wife and mother. But after I had all that...then what? I now know I want to be strong (go to the gym) and become a certified interior designer.

4. Hold on to your faith. In times of trial it is SO easy to blame God for what is happening because surely if He loved you you would never struggle a day in your life. But actually... Growth only comes through experience. So take that trial and make yourself better because of it.

5. Find good friends. This can be tricky. I believe so many people mean well. But sometimes finding someone who is at the same stage and level as you in a world full of awesome and interesting people it is hard. (Any tips for this are appreciated).

6. Accept where you are. Acknowledge you can improve but then look back to where you have been and give yourself a pat on the back and keep moving forward.

7. Give yourself grace. We are mortal. That means we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Accept that and give yourself a pass for not paying for the can of tuna someone had to put back because they couldn't afford it. Remember that for next time and move forward.

8. Be authentic. Please stop being fake. Please just allow yourself to feel your feelings and then try to find positive ways of expressing them. Do not hide your trials/weaknesses from those around you. Grow through seeking advice and sharing your life. That is where connection happens. Maybe if you're feeling lonely you're not allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough. But I'm not a psychologist so I do not speak gospel.

9. Allow yourself to be imperfect. I know I do not like cooking. And I'm okay with that. I had this idea that cooking fantastic home cooked meals is what a good mother looks like. And I do know good mothers who have this quality, but I am not one of them. I am a good mom despite the fact that I hate cooking. My kids still eat.

10. Find the good. There is good in the world.