What a Wreck

Lately I have been such an emotional wreck. I never thought I would be one of "those" women, but now that I am pregnant it is so hard to keep my emotions in check.

Exhibit A:
Last week I wanted a free hot chocolate from Maverick's. I thought I would get one too because we have a few of those punch cards that say "when you get ten punches you get a drink of any size for free!" The last time we got a hot chocolate the lady asked if we had a card and I said that we did but we forgot it at home. She said it was okay because they would just combine the cards when we wanted to redeem the free drink. So we walked into Maverick's this time (only it was the other store) and we got our drinks all ready. I handed the guy the punch cards and he said the punches all had to be on the same card. I ran out of the store crying leaving Marcus to pay for the drinks. I was so upset. All I wanted was a free drink which we totally qualified for. I cried for at least ten minutes. Before pregnancy I would have just thought this guy was a jerk and I would have sworn never to shop at that particular Maverick's again, but this time...I was an emotional wreck. And the thing that sucks the most is that I don't really look like I am pregnant so it's not like that guy was like "Oh, she's pregnant, maybe I should be nice" No. He just treated me like he would have treated everyone else. You know what? Sometimes, lately, I just want someone to be my friend, to talk to me, to do nice things for me. I feel trapped. -sigh-

Exhibit B
Maybe this is pregnancy talking but I don't want to be here in Rexburg anymore. No one likes me and no one wants to be my friend. The friends I do have here don't treat me like they used to because I am married and pregnant and I obviously wouldn't want to be invited to things like a girl's night...and I obviously wouldn't want  them to tell me anything about their personal lives. The only people that really treat me the same are my sisters. I miss them.

To top it off...I don't think my visiting teachers really want to be my friend. They came over once, but only once and they don't talk to me except when it's easy...like in passing at church.

I told you I was emotional. People have their lives and they are living them. That is what they are supposed to do. I just pray for an angel to come be my friend. I can't wait for baby to get here. Then I will have a friend 24/7 that I can talk to and play with and take care of. Baby will love me and treat me like a real person. Sometimes that will mean crying at me for periods of time, but I will just love baby more and more.

I like watching Marcus play basket ball and ultimate frisbe. It's like seeing him having a great time the way I imagine Heavenly Father watches us when we participate in wholesome recreational activities. When I go to one of his games I sit on the side lines and just watch him goof around. I don't say anything except an occasional hoot and holler of encouragement. I have a total outside view of everything that is going on around my Marcus. Heavenly Father has a complete outside view of everything. He sees us when we sleep, when we ray, when we struggle, when we laugh. He shares our lives with us and everything we do just makes him love us more and more. We don't see Him, but I know He is there. I can take comfort in that.

Oh, so, I did this super cool outline thing called an Aura Gram.

What you do (and you can save the picture on your computer and print it off) is print off two copies of this image and do the following: Read each word and circle a dot that best represents you. The dots go from low to high from the body image. That is, the fifth dot out from the body image for the word indicates the highest rating. After you have selected your dots then connect them and view your aurora. Next, give the second copy to someone who knows you well (not mom) and have them complete the same assignment but about you. In other words, they circle the dots associated with the words but they are doing it based on their assessment of you. Then compare the two tracings.


I did my Aura-gram and I was so much harsher on myself than the other person was on me. I used my husband but my teacher actually said that I was supposed to choose someone that knows me well, but not my mom or my husband...but I didn't know that before hand. Anyways, I appreciated this assignment because it reminded me that I am too hard on myself. I am not perfect, although striving to be. Other people see me better than I see myself and I just need to keep working on things, but not be mean to myself. I am so mean to myself. Sometimes I think that I don't look pretty if I don't do my hair or my makeup. But Marcus always thinks I am pretty. Sometimes I think that I try so hard to have enough energy to do all the things a wife ought to do in a day, but I don't and then I feel awful. But Marcus never says that I am a horrible wife. It's just me feeling that way. I don't think I am the only person to feel this way either. Sometimes I just want to throw myself a party...although I don't think anyone would come...that's me being overly emotional and dramatic again. 


The only reason I want to leave Rexburg is because that's how I deal with problems. I like to run away and not deal with them. I haven't had too many problems in my life but big problems just throw me off. It's like the song goes
"runnin runnin as fast as I can" mixed with "she needs wide open spaces." 

Anyways, if you did read this, god bless you.

Baby Bump Pictures and a Scare

Lately I have been feeling the baby as it moves around inside my uterus. It is a pretty neat feeling…imagine you’re on an elevator and you jump just before it takes off and you land right after it takes off—you know that feeling? It is a lot like that mixed with that feeling you get while you’re spinning in circles really fast. After a while I start to feel a little nauseous. BUT it is really exciting to be able to feel it moving. I’m pretty sure Marcus will be able to feel the baby moving in a few weeks, but as of now I am the only one who gets to experience it. Sometimes I wake up and the baby is on my bladder. It’s mornings like that when I storm to the bathroom and if someone is in the shower…it really sucks! But I digress. Being pregnant is a new and exciting part of my life and I will be happy to experience that special time in my life when I do not have to deal with morning [all-day] sickness and other fun pregnancy happenings.

Here are some pictures of the bebe and the bump!

Baby Thackeray at 10 weeks

15 weeks

17 weeks side view

 We find out the gender November 2^nd! Marcus doesn’t want to find out, but I do. He will be at the ultrasound where they tell us. I wonder if he will stay in the room or not. Hmm. I’m sorry I am not as done up as I could be in those week 17 photos. I just woke up and I figured it would be a good time to take them.

Melanie asked me if I was getting fat yet. I told her no. do you agree? I think if I were walking down the street no one would be like “man, she’s pregnant” or “man, that chick is fat!” No. I think I look normal. My older sister, Alicia, didn’t really start showing until she was about 7 months and my twin sister started showing right away. The difference is that Alicia has a super long torso and Melanie has a super short torso. Mine is more toward the long side, but not quite as long as Alicia’s. Therefore, I think I will start to show around 6 months. That is one month and three weeks away. We’ll see how much I will gain. I lost a lot of weight during my first trimester but I just gained that all back. So, we will see.

I am a little worried today though because at the last doctor appointment I got my blood drawn so they could see if there were any markers for things like Down Syndrome. They called me yesterday and the day before to talk about the results which I hope is not a bad thing. But the last time they took my blood they told me they wouold have the results back in a week and so I called a week later and they said they usually only call people about their blood work if it comes back irregular. That is why I am worried. They called twice. I missed the call the first time—for some reason my phone didn’t alert me that someone even called—and the second time I was in class. I called back, but it was after hours, so I am waiting until this morning when they open to call. I am nervous. I will let you know what the results say. If they are irregular, I will have to get an amniocenteses  This is where they stick a large needle into my belly to get some samples of the amniotic fluid around the baby. They will use that for further testing. 

The results are in. My test was positive. This means that it is not time to worry, but it is time to make an appointment to see a perinatalogist. They are going to do a special Ultrasound and while they do this, they will be able to see if there are any physical signs of disability. If they see any signs they will recommend I do an amniocenteses. My appointment is October 25th at 10am. I hope Marcus will be able to make it. But this doctor comes in from Utah once every other week, so, when he's here you gotta go. 

Mom said some comforting words to me this morning though when I was freaking out. She said that this baby is the baby God intended for us at this time. Marcus and I will be able to handle the challenges that come up because the situation is in the Lord's hands. We just must have faith. I am worried about financial things. If the baby does end up having problems, how will we make it? We are barley making it as it is. But, everything will work out. This I know. So I shouldn't worry then, right? Okay, I'm not worried, just nervous. 

Twentyone

If you want to know how our life is going…

                Marcus is stressed to his chest with homework and his job and making up a bad test grade. Plus we need to take the car in to the shop because we cannot see the dashboard. Period. I mean, in the day time we can see the speedometer, but nothing else on the dash works. It’s kinda scary that we can’t see when we need to fill up with gas. Also, the transmission is starting to go out. It keeps jumping. I told my mom about it and she said we would probably have to buy a new car within the next two years.

Oi ve.

This car has been good to us, but it’s pushing 300,000 miles. This poor car has had quite a life. We’ve gotten the oil changed when it needed to be, and we’ve taken it to car washes, and we have tried to keep it alive for as long as we could. This is the main reason we are flying out to California for Christmas. I do not think that the car would last traveling there and back. Plus it would be difficult to keep track of how many miles we’ve gone to fill up the gas with.

Marcus hates to spend money. So, when we do need to buy a car, and we will need one with the baby coming in March, it will be a horrible day for him. BUT I do know that it is okay to go into debt for transportation, a house, and education. Marcus will just have to deal with it. It’s hard enough for him to take out student loans for school. In due time, he will be okay.

As for me, I am 21 today. It is a nice time in my life to be this age. I am happily married to the love of my eternities, pregnant with our first child, and finishing up college. I will be done Spring 2013! There is now only a year and a half to go. After I graduate I will be student teaching somewhere here in Idaho. Probably in Idaho Falls, but I am hoping for Sugar City because it is only ten minutes away. Not that Idaho Falls is too far away, but it’s not as close as Sugar City.

I am getting a little blah about the apartment manager thing just because I have applied to so many places and we are not getting called for interviews or anything. I suppose, though, that the Lord will help us be able to afford what we need. We don’t need the job to survive the costs of being married in college with a baby. We don’t. We can make it. We just need to learn to stretch the dollar a little bit.

I was talking to Marcus the other day about how much people actually make in a year. I grew up in a pretty wealthy community in California, but my parents were not wealthy to say the least. They were teachers. I could not understand how people could buy their children brand new cars and still make their payments on everything else. It turns out that even earning $150,000 a year is actually more than enough to make bill payments and still have 3 grand a month to waste on whatever… plus these people most likely did not make 10% tithing payments given from every paycheck. Some of these people even made more than $150,000. It’s just crazy to think that the division between poor and rich is ever increasing.

I am excited to live in the Celestial Kingdom because there, there will be no poor among us. We will live the law of consecration and everyone will have all they need and more.

It is nice to have friends and family who can see the good in me because lately it has been really difficult to see anything good come from me. I am trying to be a good wife and friend and sister and daughter, but I feel like there are so many improvements I need to make in myself and it is a little draining to think about how imperfect I am. I mean, I know no one in this life is perfect, except the Lord Jesus Christ, but when I look at myself and what I do here in this life, I feel unaccomplished.  I want to be so much more than I am.

This morning Meeshell, one of my best friends, gave me a birthday present. It was a pair of earrings from Jerusalem. They are called widow’s mite earrings. She said that they not only represent the law of the tithes, but also our dedication to give all that we have to the Lord.  She said that I have given her so many things in life and that she knows I try my best to give my all to the Lord. It was nice to have someone notice that I am trying. Life is so difficult and there are too many crappy things that happen to let our own selves become our enemy. That is why I feel that President Uchtdorf’s address to the Relief Society was so important.

He said in his talk "You Are Not Forgotten" that we need to forget not to be patient and compassionate with ourselves. I never ever thought about this. I, and I am sure very many other sisters, try so hard to focus on being our best for the benefit of those around us, but we forget to think about being patient with ourselves when we do not do things perfectly, or even think to do things until after the opportunity has passed. It is hard being mortals with many flaws, but we are fortunate to have a loving Father in Heaven and a loving brother advocate for us. Our Savior Jesus Christ makes all things possible. He even makes us perfect through His atonement. The only condition he has is for us to repent. Easy peasy. Although, repenting also means turning away from sin, forsaking sin. That means we can never go back to the way things were. We need to be fully repentant to receive that blessing of perfection.

                My birthday, so far, is super relaxed. It is a great day because it is not too hot outside. It even rained a little. It is overcast. It is beautiful. The fall colors are popping out so nicely. I love it. Everyone else has work and school, so I am here at home typing this up alone. Soon I will have a baby to be with me all the time and that will be nice. I am very excited for when and what I get to learn from this little gift from God.

                This week I get to have my 16 week check-up. This is the ultrasound that they check to see if anything is seriously wrong with the baby like birth defects and such. I think the baby is perfectly healthy, but I won’t be sure until even after birth. But this appointment will allow me to have some bit of relief or some amount of time to prepare if something does happen to be wrong. If something is wrong, I don’t know how we would deal with it moneywise. We are on Medicaid and it covers everything for the baby up until a year old, but what if the baby needs medical attention after that? It just concerns me.

                We had a little birthday get-together last night. We cooked hotdogs and burgers and had some friends over. Our house was nice and full. I love that feeling of togetherness. I wish all my friends and family could have been there. We just sat in a circle of chairs, ate, and talked. The single guys in the group talked about how dating was difficult. It was kinda sad to see that they had such little confidence in themselves. Plus they have many misconceptions about what women want and what they think. All the ladies tried to explain their views, but the guys just didn’t get it. I hope they find love, I really do. It depends on them, though. I hope they gain more charisma and self-confidence.

Marcus and I got to practice our first tradition of birthday pies! I made my mom’s famous cherry cream cheese pie and Marcus stuck candles in it and everyone sang happy birthday to me and I blew out the candles. We both love pie and dislike cake. So one day when we were talking about traditions we would hold we decided that instead of birthday cake we would have pie. There was still cake though, for people who didn’t want pie. But it will be cool to be a little different than other families. Our children will think birthday pies are normal until they meet all the other families that do birthday cakes.

This is Me and Marcus October 1st; the Saturday before. We went to Olive Garden with Sabrina and Meeshell.

This is my new cute red hat my mommy got for me. 

This is Meeshell and Sabrina having a good time. 

Here is a funny story about that night really quick; our waiter was awesome and weird and funny and then he stopped showing up and a girl came over and told us he cut himself badly. Poor thing. He got all bandaged up and came and told us of this tragedy and then they sent him home.

Thank you for checking in!

XOXO