2 years ago:
My heart felt like it was beating way too fast. So I placed my finger on my heart rate monitor and it WAS beating way too fast. In the middle of the night in my calm silent house, my heart knew something was wrong. I started to feel breathless and lightheaded. What was happening to me? I called my mom and started to feel less panic but then it happened again. Two world-shattering panic attacks in a row. I went to the hospital that night via ambulance because I thought I was dying. My heart felt like it couldn't take any more racing. The ER doctor gave me a little white pill called Lorazepam. It lulled me to sleep after Marcus picked me up and drove me home. But when waking up from that medicated sleep I felt SO depleted, alone, scared. The medication caused me to have thoughts I never thought a happy person such as myself would EVER have...which made me feel even more scared. I pictured myself standing in the middle of the road being hit by a car or truck left for dead.
After Lisa was born my view of motherhood and my planned life had to be shifted. I had always wanted a huge family with at least 8 kids and a husband that won the romantic award, and a dream home with a huge yard. But that is not what my life was turning out to be. Lisa's birth proved me wrong in my plans. I went into labor with her at 23 weeks and spent the next 10 in and out of the hospital multiple times a week and numerous treatments of different medications which slowed labor down. But she came at 33 weeks and then I had to become a NICU mom--balancing life at home with life at a hospital. I still woke up multiple times a night to pump breast milk with no baby to hold. It was a really difficult month. But we made it. My girl faught hard and came home to...a big sister with the stomach flu. Puking commenced the moment we got home.
So bringing Lisa home wasn't as magical as I wanted it to be. I was thrown into the trenches of motherhood from the beginning. And I wasn't paying attention. To myself.
When Lisa turned 4 months old I experienced my first ever panic attack as a mother. It wasn't huge. I was driving on a two-way road and a truck passed me going the opposite direction. My heart started racing as I thought "that truck could have easily crossed those painted lines and killed us" but after a moment the thought was gone and replaced with my list of to-do's for the day.
I ignored the prompting to see a therapist because darn that aforementioned to-do list. Finding someone to talk to and figure out what is triggering feelings is so hard. I felt like it was too hard. And I wasn't doing THAT badly. I was doing my dream job (stay at home mom) and handling it just fine.
Life went on and I felt so blessed...and WAS blessed to have what I had. Until that night two years ago I didn't take myself seriously.
I was working my dream job and living a really good and blessed life. But I wasn't taking care of myself. My self-care habits dwindled after the birth of my first child and decreased to almost nothing by my third. I still showered and brushed my teeth...but that was pretty much the extent of my self-care. I felt guilty for spending money on myself because #studentloandebt. There were so many better ways to spend our hard-earned money than on the material things that made me feel sparks of joy.
After my panic attacks I checked myself in to the behavioral unit and tried to find safety from my panic there...but they checked me into the detox unit which was SCARY and so uncomfortable for me. While I met some incredible people fighting incredible things... It was not where I should have been at my weakest moment. I have PTSD from that experience in itself.
So these last 2 years have been a time of healing and rebirth.
Here are some pearls of wisdom I have gathered since my self-discovery...or rather self-rediscovery (because we change after we become wives...and mothers...and when BIG things happen to us).
1. Find at least one thing that is YOU or was you that you have found peace and joy in doing. For me it is journaling. (I have shelves filled with my journals which contain my deepest thoughts, experiences, and promptings from the Lord. I wish I had never put my pen down. But I did and that is that.) Keep doing that thing. Even if it is hard.
2. Carve out time for yourself. I wish I had taken the time to journal. And now I do.
3. Have multiple dreams... I only had one: to become a wife and mother. But after I had all that...then what? I now know I want to be strong (go to the gym) and become a certified interior designer.
4. Hold on to your faith. In times of trial it is SO easy to blame God for what is happening because surely if He loved you you would never struggle a day in your life. But actually... Growth only comes through experience. So take that trial and make yourself better because of it.
5. Find good friends. This can be tricky. I believe so many people mean well. But sometimes finding someone who is at the same stage and level as you in a world full of awesome and interesting people it is hard. (Any tips for this are appreciated).
6. Accept where you are. Acknowledge you can improve but then look back to where you have been and give yourself a pat on the back and keep moving forward.
7. Give yourself grace. We are mortal. That means we are not perfect and we make mistakes. Accept that and give yourself a pass for not paying for the can of tuna someone had to put back because they couldn't afford it. Remember that for next time and move forward.
8. Be authentic. Please stop being fake. Please just allow yourself to feel your feelings and then try to find positive ways of expressing them. Do not hide your trials/weaknesses from those around you. Grow through seeking advice and sharing your life. That is where connection happens. Maybe if you're feeling lonely you're not allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough. But I'm not a psychologist so I do not speak gospel.
9. Allow yourself to be imperfect. I know I do not like cooking. And I'm okay with that. I had this idea that cooking fantastic home cooked meals is what a good mother looks like. And I do know good mothers who have this quality, but I am not one of them. I am a good mom despite the fact that I hate cooking. My kids still eat.
10. Find the good. There is good in the world.
