While the toddler is asleep...
1. I feel like a failure some days. My husband will come home and look around like "I went to work and fulfilled my responsibilities...what did you do?" It's only a look that lasts a few seconds, but I know what it means, and he would never actually say those things. But I can tell. So, some days I just feel like a failure. But let me tell you, I do not have enough energy to keep everything spic and span. I do not have enough energy to keep the toys in the playroom, or fold three loads of laundry. I do not have enough energy. Children are like life-suckers. They get all their energy from the 12 hours of sleep they get at night. They get it from the food they constantly eat. They get it from me. Where does the energy I have go? Preparing breakfast, lunch, and sometimes dinner (though my husband shares in this responsibility), changing diapers, running errands, cleaning major messes, comforting scared sobs, kissing boo boos and owies, and dressing everyone. Yes, getting ready for 3 people (sometimes 4) means I don't get to spend a lot of time focusing on how I look. So I look half thrown together most days. But you know what? This is the life I chose, and the life I always wanted. I just imagined it to be a little more...easier. I love my children. They make my love grow exponentially every day. I never knew my heart could feel so much love. I never knew it could hurt so much when they get hurt, or that I could be so happy and joyful that it made me cry because my daughter said a prayer, or she said "I love you, you're my best friend." So, even though I have no energy to actually do anything, I know I am doing something...loving my children unconditionally.
2. Things Madeline says: "Mom, the FREAKING thunderstorm woke me up!"
"Mother, please help." Of course, I'm not the mother she is referring to. She is talking about her My Little Ponies.
"Oh no! Your cutie mark is missing!"
3. Faye has two new words in her vocabulary: hello and apple. Oh, and "wow!"
4. Most people don't know this but I had a miscarriage. I never thought that would happen to me. I had no problems getting pregnant with Madeline nor with Faye, so it shocked me when it happened. It was early and the doctors consider it a chemical pregnancy, but to me it was the hope of having another spirit in our home. The doctor I saw said "I wouldn't even say you had a miscarriage because you haven't had your menstrual cycle yet and it could just be a week early...it's considered normal to have 2 irregular cycles a year..." Whatever dude. I have never had a cycle start a week early. EVER. Two weeks after my miscarriage I had a normal period, so he was wrong. It was a miscarriage and this was the period--now 2 weeks late. I am okay now. I am happy. Life is good. I was upset and depressed for a week, but now I just want to get back to normal. I'm in waiting mode right now...the waiting game sucks! And yet, some have to wait so so so long for their littles. I don't know how I would handle that. But the thing is, we handle the trials we are given. They are all different and some suck more than others at different times of our lives. Good thing the Lord has our backs. He knows what we want. He knows what we NEED.
